Beverly writes:
I am the mother of an incest survivor. She was abused by her father, my
ex husband when she was 13. She did not reveal the abuse until she was 25 yo.
She is now 42 yo single, hugely successful in her career and making lots of
money. Underneath she is hurting. She has moved away emotionally from me for
the past few years and now goes on angry rants telling me all my shortcomings
and she spews venom that is so hurtful. I have been remarried for several years
to a man who loves me enough to help me heal from the pain of having 2 daughters
who were molested by their father. My other daughter is happy and living a
wonderful life, refusing to be defined by the incest. Our family has literally
been ripped apart by this horrible event. Out of 6 children 3 of the children
are sympathetic to their father who is in very frail health. My current husband
is amazing and we have been so happy and able to carve out a life that is
unbelievable. We find much solace in our Catholic faith, but the attacks by the
one daughter are unbearable. I talked to my family doctor and he recommended
that, for now, I cut off all contact. My interest in your site is to learn the
reason for the raging and bitterness. I know my daughter is hurting, but she
lives far away and has little contact until these recent horrific attacks. Can
you direct me to a book or an article that can help? I feel lost in a world I do
not understand. I love all my children and never dreamed that incest could
completely destroy any semblance of a family. Please help me if you can. A truly
important part of this whole story is that she lives with her perpetrator
father.
Oh, Beverly - I am so sorry. I see so much of a classic "trance of incest" going on here. People who molest their daughters are sociopaths. They know exactly how to "play" each person in the family in order to get away with their crime while everyone else pays the price. It seems that the daughter who is angry with you very well might still be in the
trance, even after all these years. Your ex has told her horrible things about you, you can be sure of that.
There are a lot of different dynamics at play here, and based upon what you have shared, I am guessing that some of the children believe that the abuse happened, and some do not, and that is dividing the family. This is hard to hear, but your daughter's anger at you is not uncommon. She needs to be angry, and you might be the only safe place she has to express her rage and pain. Who is it that moved away from the relationship? Did you drift
away from her when you found your new marriage, or did she drift away from you in allegiance with her father? It is very interesting that she lives with him - and without knowing whether she has confronted him about the abuse and how he responded to that, I am not sure how to place this in context with the rage she is exhibiting toward you.
I cannot tell you to disobey your doctor's orders - he or she knows what is best for your health. But I can tell you that living through my daughters' anger as they worked through the deep pain of the abuse they suffered was transformative for all of us. When they saw that I could take their anger - take their pain and hold it for them, feel it with them, rage and cry with them, it changed us all. Your daughter has a right to be angry, at your ex and also at you. I am sorry to tell you this, but it is true. Something happened in that home that allowed her to be abused and for the abuse to remain hidden. You are accountable for whatever your part in that might have been, even if you were also a victim in that house. We cannot deny that, and we cannot change it - we can only acknowledge what was lost and
go forward.
Stop defending yourself from your daughter. Feel her pain. Grieve with her and cry with her. Ask her how you can help. Ask her what you can do now, today, to help her get free of this pain. Do not argue with her. Be with her. Stop defending yourself - again, I will
say it over and over. No matter how grown or successful she is, there is a hurting girl inside of her that needs her mommy. She might say monstrous things, but she might need to say them. She needs you.
I don't know of many books you might read, because when this happened to me I found there were precious few of them that were actually helpful. One book that helped me understand the trance of incest was "Father-Daughter Incest" by Judith Lewis Herman. It is a clinical work, but very approachable, and I found that being able to understand the wound of incest and its dynamics among family members helped me calm down enough to begin my own recovery. We actually wrote our own book, and plan to self-publish it this summer.
There is quite a lot of it represented in our "Bill of Rights" section on our website - I invite you to explore further. There is a lot of content - and each "Right" has a section specifically for family members. I suggest you begin with Right #4 - "You Have a Right to Be Angry." Here is the link:
http://www.healingincest.org/four-you-have-the-right-to-be-angry.html
Please write back and let me know if it was helpful to you.
That is the other thing I want to tell you. You need your own recovery from this wound. I am glad for you that you found love again, and that you have a supportive partner whom you trust and a faith that comforts you. However, there are some things we need to do for ourselves, no matter what. You, also, were the victim of a crime of incest. Your children lost
their childhood and you lost your belief that you gave them a safe and happy childhood. You were betrayed by your ex in deep and almost unspeakable ways. You need to heal your own wound so you can be of use to your children on their healing path. Seeking my own therapy helped me understand my children, but more importantly, it made me strong enough to begin to help them.
Please know that there is a lot of love and support out there for those who seek it. I thank you for reaching out, and hope you will take my words for what they are - a sincere desire to help and to understand. We all need each other! Please write back and let me know how you are doing, and how your precious kids are doing. You have my love and my prayers.
with love and hope,
Another Mother
I am the mother of an incest survivor. She was abused by her father, my
ex husband when she was 13. She did not reveal the abuse until she was 25 yo.
She is now 42 yo single, hugely successful in her career and making lots of
money. Underneath she is hurting. She has moved away emotionally from me for
the past few years and now goes on angry rants telling me all my shortcomings
and she spews venom that is so hurtful. I have been remarried for several years
to a man who loves me enough to help me heal from the pain of having 2 daughters
who were molested by their father. My other daughter is happy and living a
wonderful life, refusing to be defined by the incest. Our family has literally
been ripped apart by this horrible event. Out of 6 children 3 of the children
are sympathetic to their father who is in very frail health. My current husband
is amazing and we have been so happy and able to carve out a life that is
unbelievable. We find much solace in our Catholic faith, but the attacks by the
one daughter are unbearable. I talked to my family doctor and he recommended
that, for now, I cut off all contact. My interest in your site is to learn the
reason for the raging and bitterness. I know my daughter is hurting, but she
lives far away and has little contact until these recent horrific attacks. Can
you direct me to a book or an article that can help? I feel lost in a world I do
not understand. I love all my children and never dreamed that incest could
completely destroy any semblance of a family. Please help me if you can. A truly
important part of this whole story is that she lives with her perpetrator
father.
Oh, Beverly - I am so sorry. I see so much of a classic "trance of incest" going on here. People who molest their daughters are sociopaths. They know exactly how to "play" each person in the family in order to get away with their crime while everyone else pays the price. It seems that the daughter who is angry with you very well might still be in the
trance, even after all these years. Your ex has told her horrible things about you, you can be sure of that.
There are a lot of different dynamics at play here, and based upon what you have shared, I am guessing that some of the children believe that the abuse happened, and some do not, and that is dividing the family. This is hard to hear, but your daughter's anger at you is not uncommon. She needs to be angry, and you might be the only safe place she has to express her rage and pain. Who is it that moved away from the relationship? Did you drift
away from her when you found your new marriage, or did she drift away from you in allegiance with her father? It is very interesting that she lives with him - and without knowing whether she has confronted him about the abuse and how he responded to that, I am not sure how to place this in context with the rage she is exhibiting toward you.
I cannot tell you to disobey your doctor's orders - he or she knows what is best for your health. But I can tell you that living through my daughters' anger as they worked through the deep pain of the abuse they suffered was transformative for all of us. When they saw that I could take their anger - take their pain and hold it for them, feel it with them, rage and cry with them, it changed us all. Your daughter has a right to be angry, at your ex and also at you. I am sorry to tell you this, but it is true. Something happened in that home that allowed her to be abused and for the abuse to remain hidden. You are accountable for whatever your part in that might have been, even if you were also a victim in that house. We cannot deny that, and we cannot change it - we can only acknowledge what was lost and
go forward.
Stop defending yourself from your daughter. Feel her pain. Grieve with her and cry with her. Ask her how you can help. Ask her what you can do now, today, to help her get free of this pain. Do not argue with her. Be with her. Stop defending yourself - again, I will
say it over and over. No matter how grown or successful she is, there is a hurting girl inside of her that needs her mommy. She might say monstrous things, but she might need to say them. She needs you.
I don't know of many books you might read, because when this happened to me I found there were precious few of them that were actually helpful. One book that helped me understand the trance of incest was "Father-Daughter Incest" by Judith Lewis Herman. It is a clinical work, but very approachable, and I found that being able to understand the wound of incest and its dynamics among family members helped me calm down enough to begin my own recovery. We actually wrote our own book, and plan to self-publish it this summer.
There is quite a lot of it represented in our "Bill of Rights" section on our website - I invite you to explore further. There is a lot of content - and each "Right" has a section specifically for family members. I suggest you begin with Right #4 - "You Have a Right to Be Angry." Here is the link:
http://www.healingincest.org/four-you-have-the-right-to-be-angry.html
Please write back and let me know if it was helpful to you.
That is the other thing I want to tell you. You need your own recovery from this wound. I am glad for you that you found love again, and that you have a supportive partner whom you trust and a faith that comforts you. However, there are some things we need to do for ourselves, no matter what. You, also, were the victim of a crime of incest. Your children lost
their childhood and you lost your belief that you gave them a safe and happy childhood. You were betrayed by your ex in deep and almost unspeakable ways. You need to heal your own wound so you can be of use to your children on their healing path. Seeking my own therapy helped me understand my children, but more importantly, it made me strong enough to begin to help them.
Please know that there is a lot of love and support out there for those who seek it. I thank you for reaching out, and hope you will take my words for what they are - a sincere desire to help and to understand. We all need each other! Please write back and let me know how you are doing, and how your precious kids are doing. You have my love and my prayers.
with love and hope,
Another Mother
