People react in many different ways to having been unsafe for long periods of time
For Kids in the Thick of It
TIf you are a kid who is old enough to be reading this and you or another child in your household is being used for some kind of sex by an adult, we beg you to get help. The situation you are in is dangerous and it is not OK that this is happening to you! Your job is to
grow, go to school and learn, and have some fun without having to be afraid. The adults’
jobs are to love you, protect you, and provide for your needs as best they can. Your job definitely is not to meet the sexual needs of an adult.
If you are not sure whether what is happening to you is sexual abuse, here are some of
the behaviors that might be happening that are sexual abuse:
· You are old enough to take a bath by yourself but your dad still comes in to watch
you or wants to be in the bath or shower with you.
· Your dad touches the private parts of your body– usually no one else is around when this happens.
· A grownup makes you take off your clothes and pose for pictures or videos,
alone or with other kids.
· The grownup tells you that no one else loves you like he does, and if anyone finds out about your special love he will get into trouble.
· Your dad (or uncle, brother, cousin, grandfather or stepfather, or even adult women like moms or aunts) tells you that he will hurt you or punish you in some way if you talk about what you do when you are alone together.
· An adult in your house puts his penis in your mouth or tries to put it in your vagina or rectum – same with fingers.
· A grownup will touch himself or herself (masturbates) while watching you sleep, dress, or bathe – or makes you touch his private body parts.
· The adult tells you that something bad will happen to someone you care about if you tell.
· Any activity about your body and the adult’s body that makes you feel afraid, embarrassed, or hurts you, and the adult does not want anyone else to find out, is wrong.
This is awful and embarrassing stuff to talk about, but some kids really are not sure
whether incest is happening to them, and are afraid to tell because they just do not know if something really is wrong. If something else is happening to you and you are not sure whether it is sexual abuse but it makes you feel bad or afraid, you can talk to a grownup that you really like and trust, and ask that person if you should be concerned about the
behavior.
The most important thing about getting out of the situation is to tell someone – someone who can help you. We are going out on a limb here and recommend that you do not tell your mom (or your dad, if the abuser is your mom) all by yourself. Sadly, some parents do not believe their kids when they tell them about incest in their house. We are not sure why this happens so often, but it does. Other moms might not be able to help their kids because they are sick, or they do a lot of drugs or alcohol, or are simply too afraid to stand up to the abuser.
Think about whether or not it might help to tell another adult that you like and trust a lot – like a teacher, the school nurse, a minister or rabbi, or maybe one of your friend’s parents. It will take a lot of courage, and you won’t know for sure how it will all end up, but you
have a right to be safe, and that means that the incest has to stop. Your abuser won’t tell and won’t stop, so the only one left who can make it stop is you – and you can make it stop by telling.
If you decide to tell another adult, consider asking him or her to go to your mom with you to
tell her about the incest. That way, if your mom does not believe you, or gets angry or afraid, you both will have some emotional and practical support from your friend. If both of your parents are abusing you, or if the parent who is not abusing you obviously knows about it but is not doing anything to stop it, ask the adult that you tell to go with you to the police or to social services (Child Protective Services or other counseling services in your town).
Try to pick an adult you know well and really trust. If the adult you tell does not believe you or is uncomfortable getting involved, pick out another adult and keep telling – just because someone does not believe you does not make it untrue, and just because someone is too afraid to get involved does not mean you do not deserve help. Keep trying until someone hears you! You need to know that many adults in your life are what are called “mandated reporters.” These are people who are required by the law to report the abuse to the police or Child Protective Services, if you tell them about it. Usually teachers, doctors and nurses, counselors, and clergy (clerics, preachers and rabbis) are mandated reporters.
The adult whom you tell might be frightened or not know how to help you. He or she might
want to talk to the police or Child Protective Services rather than go with you to tell your mom. This stuff is overwhelming and scary even for adults – so you are not imagining what a tight spot you are in! You might want to send your chosen adult to this website, or tell him or her that lots of information is available on the Internet- here is one very good website: http://www.rainn.org/get-information/types-of-sexual-assault/incest. You also can suggest that your adult go with you to talk to a counselor or other professional. You will have to be ready for the possibility that your plan will not go exactly the way you wanted it
to go. Sometimes, a judge makes the abuser stay away from home right away, but other times a child will be placed in protective custody until the home is a safe place to live. If you are placed in protective custody, you might be with other children who are being kept safe, also, or you might be in a foster home for a while. If you are afraid of protective custody, try to pretend that it will be like overnight camp, except that you will still have to go to school!
If you have brothers or sisters at home, you have to be ready for the fact that they might have to stay at home while the courts and police and social services investigate the whole
thing. The main thing is to take steps to get safe, but please, please, make a plan based on
your own situation and please do NOT confront the abuser by yourself or do anything that you have not thought about carefully.
This is a big move.
While you are thinking through your steps for safety, have a plan and choose a safe place to go quickly, in case things turn scary at your house and you need to get out. Above everything, do NOT run away without a safe destination. Kids on the street have an even worse life than you do, if you can imagine it. There are predators on the streets who are looking to enslave cold and hungry kids in any number of ways – so a lot of kids end up hooked on drugs, as prostitutes, or even dead. You are better off at a shelter, a friend’s
house, another relative’s house, or even in foster care, than you are on the street.
You might want to check the Internet or the local phone book to see if there is a domestic violence shelter in your town. They are excellent people to talk to, and it might be a place you can run to if things really blow up at home – check it out for an emergency plan. You can stop by the shelter and read the pamphlets and books that are set out, and find out all about the shelter – you do not have to identify yourself as an abuse victim until and unless you are ready. If you have a part-time job like babysitting or other work, take some of your cash and hide it somewhere outside your house. You can keep enough cash for a taxi
or some phone calls with you in a small coin purse in your pocket. Include some bus tokens if there is a transit system in your area. If you have a cell phone, make sure you keep it charged and with you (always have pockets!).
lot of kids decide not to tell because they are worried about the terrible things that might happen to their family when the incest is discovered – sometimes parents will get divorced, or the adult doing the incest might go to jail for a while. I know you might feel sad or scared to think your dad might not love you anymore and be angry with you if you tell. But really, the parent who is abusing you does not love you in the proper way – that is not how parents are supposed to behave. That is very sad for your parent, but you should not have to have a sad life, too, because of your parent’s problem.
Sometimes kids have to go to court and tell the judge or counselors everything about what
happened to them. They feel sad for their dad or their mom or both, and do not want to feel responsible for all of the hard things that will happen after the secret is told. But really, none
of those bad things are as bad as what is happening to you. It has to stop. You can sort through all the rest of it later.
You have the right to be safe!
If you still don’t think you can tell anyone after reading all of this and getting as much information as you can from other places like the Internet, then please take any other steps you can to be as safe as possible while you wait and watch for your opportunity to tell or get out. Above all, keep your hope alive and do not give up or give in to despair. You will grow
up and make your own decisions about safety, love, and happiness. Life will get better, if you stick around to make it so. This cannot go on forever, so please, keep on living and hoping – don’t ever give up. Keep looking for ways to tell, to escape, to get safe. You have
the right to be safe.
grow, go to school and learn, and have some fun without having to be afraid. The adults’
jobs are to love you, protect you, and provide for your needs as best they can. Your job definitely is not to meet the sexual needs of an adult.
If you are not sure whether what is happening to you is sexual abuse, here are some of
the behaviors that might be happening that are sexual abuse:
· You are old enough to take a bath by yourself but your dad still comes in to watch
you or wants to be in the bath or shower with you.
· Your dad touches the private parts of your body– usually no one else is around when this happens.
· A grownup makes you take off your clothes and pose for pictures or videos,
alone or with other kids.
· The grownup tells you that no one else loves you like he does, and if anyone finds out about your special love he will get into trouble.
· Your dad (or uncle, brother, cousin, grandfather or stepfather, or even adult women like moms or aunts) tells you that he will hurt you or punish you in some way if you talk about what you do when you are alone together.
· An adult in your house puts his penis in your mouth or tries to put it in your vagina or rectum – same with fingers.
· A grownup will touch himself or herself (masturbates) while watching you sleep, dress, or bathe – or makes you touch his private body parts.
· The adult tells you that something bad will happen to someone you care about if you tell.
· Any activity about your body and the adult’s body that makes you feel afraid, embarrassed, or hurts you, and the adult does not want anyone else to find out, is wrong.
This is awful and embarrassing stuff to talk about, but some kids really are not sure
whether incest is happening to them, and are afraid to tell because they just do not know if something really is wrong. If something else is happening to you and you are not sure whether it is sexual abuse but it makes you feel bad or afraid, you can talk to a grownup that you really like and trust, and ask that person if you should be concerned about the
behavior.
The most important thing about getting out of the situation is to tell someone – someone who can help you. We are going out on a limb here and recommend that you do not tell your mom (or your dad, if the abuser is your mom) all by yourself. Sadly, some parents do not believe their kids when they tell them about incest in their house. We are not sure why this happens so often, but it does. Other moms might not be able to help their kids because they are sick, or they do a lot of drugs or alcohol, or are simply too afraid to stand up to the abuser.
Think about whether or not it might help to tell another adult that you like and trust a lot – like a teacher, the school nurse, a minister or rabbi, or maybe one of your friend’s parents. It will take a lot of courage, and you won’t know for sure how it will all end up, but you
have a right to be safe, and that means that the incest has to stop. Your abuser won’t tell and won’t stop, so the only one left who can make it stop is you – and you can make it stop by telling.
If you decide to tell another adult, consider asking him or her to go to your mom with you to
tell her about the incest. That way, if your mom does not believe you, or gets angry or afraid, you both will have some emotional and practical support from your friend. If both of your parents are abusing you, or if the parent who is not abusing you obviously knows about it but is not doing anything to stop it, ask the adult that you tell to go with you to the police or to social services (Child Protective Services or other counseling services in your town).
Try to pick an adult you know well and really trust. If the adult you tell does not believe you or is uncomfortable getting involved, pick out another adult and keep telling – just because someone does not believe you does not make it untrue, and just because someone is too afraid to get involved does not mean you do not deserve help. Keep trying until someone hears you! You need to know that many adults in your life are what are called “mandated reporters.” These are people who are required by the law to report the abuse to the police or Child Protective Services, if you tell them about it. Usually teachers, doctors and nurses, counselors, and clergy (clerics, preachers and rabbis) are mandated reporters.
The adult whom you tell might be frightened or not know how to help you. He or she might
want to talk to the police or Child Protective Services rather than go with you to tell your mom. This stuff is overwhelming and scary even for adults – so you are not imagining what a tight spot you are in! You might want to send your chosen adult to this website, or tell him or her that lots of information is available on the Internet- here is one very good website: http://www.rainn.org/get-information/types-of-sexual-assault/incest. You also can suggest that your adult go with you to talk to a counselor or other professional. You will have to be ready for the possibility that your plan will not go exactly the way you wanted it
to go. Sometimes, a judge makes the abuser stay away from home right away, but other times a child will be placed in protective custody until the home is a safe place to live. If you are placed in protective custody, you might be with other children who are being kept safe, also, or you might be in a foster home for a while. If you are afraid of protective custody, try to pretend that it will be like overnight camp, except that you will still have to go to school!
If you have brothers or sisters at home, you have to be ready for the fact that they might have to stay at home while the courts and police and social services investigate the whole
thing. The main thing is to take steps to get safe, but please, please, make a plan based on
your own situation and please do NOT confront the abuser by yourself or do anything that you have not thought about carefully.
This is a big move.
While you are thinking through your steps for safety, have a plan and choose a safe place to go quickly, in case things turn scary at your house and you need to get out. Above everything, do NOT run away without a safe destination. Kids on the street have an even worse life than you do, if you can imagine it. There are predators on the streets who are looking to enslave cold and hungry kids in any number of ways – so a lot of kids end up hooked on drugs, as prostitutes, or even dead. You are better off at a shelter, a friend’s
house, another relative’s house, or even in foster care, than you are on the street.
You might want to check the Internet or the local phone book to see if there is a domestic violence shelter in your town. They are excellent people to talk to, and it might be a place you can run to if things really blow up at home – check it out for an emergency plan. You can stop by the shelter and read the pamphlets and books that are set out, and find out all about the shelter – you do not have to identify yourself as an abuse victim until and unless you are ready. If you have a part-time job like babysitting or other work, take some of your cash and hide it somewhere outside your house. You can keep enough cash for a taxi
or some phone calls with you in a small coin purse in your pocket. Include some bus tokens if there is a transit system in your area. If you have a cell phone, make sure you keep it charged and with you (always have pockets!).
lot of kids decide not to tell because they are worried about the terrible things that might happen to their family when the incest is discovered – sometimes parents will get divorced, or the adult doing the incest might go to jail for a while. I know you might feel sad or scared to think your dad might not love you anymore and be angry with you if you tell. But really, the parent who is abusing you does not love you in the proper way – that is not how parents are supposed to behave. That is very sad for your parent, but you should not have to have a sad life, too, because of your parent’s problem.
Sometimes kids have to go to court and tell the judge or counselors everything about what
happened to them. They feel sad for their dad or their mom or both, and do not want to feel responsible for all of the hard things that will happen after the secret is told. But really, none
of those bad things are as bad as what is happening to you. It has to stop. You can sort through all the rest of it later.
You have the right to be safe!
If you still don’t think you can tell anyone after reading all of this and getting as much information as you can from other places like the Internet, then please take any other steps you can to be as safe as possible while you wait and watch for your opportunity to tell or get out. Above all, keep your hope alive and do not give up or give in to despair. You will grow
up and make your own decisions about safety, love, and happiness. Life will get better, if you stick around to make it so. This cannot go on forever, so please, keep on living and hoping – don’t ever give up. Keep looking for ways to tell, to escape, to get safe. You have
the right to be safe.
For Adult Survivors Now Out of It
If you are an incest victim who grew into adulthood, well, first let us extend our congratulations. You are a brave and hardy survivor, and believe us, it will be worth it. The second thing we want to tell you is that you might have some issues about knowing that you have the right to be safe.
A lot of survivors make risky decisions in their lives, such as using drugs or alcohol to manage feelings, having unsafe sexual encounters, becoming involved in pornography or prostitution or, sadly, becoming abusers themselves. You might have ongoing problems with anxiety, which is an extension of living in constant fear, or its flip-side condition, depression, which can be caused in part by giving up on ever being rid of the fear.
To put it mildly, your boundaries were obliterated by the abuse. When you were a child, you were taught that the only thing that mattered was making the incest perpetrator happy (or not frightening, or not violent, or not disappointed). Extreme fear is so difficult to live with day after day that sometimes we become numb and just stop feeling the fear. One end result of this“numbing out” is not being able to feel whether or not you are safe – your insides just do not consider safety a priority anymore. The flip side of this is when we always feel fear – we never feel safe. This is an exhausting way to live, and it is known now that stress is a real cause of many
illnesses such as hypertension, stroke, and heart disease, so never-ending fear and stress is a real health issue.
Whether you are only at one end of the spectrum or you swing back and forth from extreme fear to apathy or risk-taking, not having a healthy concept of your right to personal or emotional safety can cause many challenges in your life as you attain adulthood.
One of your first tasks of recovery is to recognize your own personal issues about safety, whatever they might be. Begin by noticing the choices you make on a daily basis:
* Are your choices in your own best interest?
* Do you choose good, healthy food, and exercise to your level of ability?
* Do you choose healthy relationships that honor your need for safety, or are you
re-creating the drama of the incest in emotionally, verbally, or physically
abusive relationship(s)?
* Do you overeat, binge-and-purge, or flirt with anorexia?
* Are you smoking?
* Are you taking sexual risks?
* Are you using drugs or alcohol in a dangerous way?
* Do you cut yourself or deliberately cause yourself physical pain?
You might not see the connection between some of the habits you have developed over time and your right to be safe, but all of the little choices we make for ourselves daily reflect our inner choices about whether we acknowledge and honor our own right to be safe.
Pay attention for a while, and see if you notice a trend. Keeping a journal about this, discussing it with your therapist, or making it an occasional topic in your conversations with people in your support system might be helpful. If you identify a trend in your behavior that indicates you are having trouble claiming your right to be safe, please take steps to reverse the trend, and get whatever medical or psychological support you might need along the way.
Always, forgive yourself. You are learning to live in a different way, and the path does not go in a straight line.
A lot of survivors make risky decisions in their lives, such as using drugs or alcohol to manage feelings, having unsafe sexual encounters, becoming involved in pornography or prostitution or, sadly, becoming abusers themselves. You might have ongoing problems with anxiety, which is an extension of living in constant fear, or its flip-side condition, depression, which can be caused in part by giving up on ever being rid of the fear.
To put it mildly, your boundaries were obliterated by the abuse. When you were a child, you were taught that the only thing that mattered was making the incest perpetrator happy (or not frightening, or not violent, or not disappointed). Extreme fear is so difficult to live with day after day that sometimes we become numb and just stop feeling the fear. One end result of this“numbing out” is not being able to feel whether or not you are safe – your insides just do not consider safety a priority anymore. The flip side of this is when we always feel fear – we never feel safe. This is an exhausting way to live, and it is known now that stress is a real cause of many
illnesses such as hypertension, stroke, and heart disease, so never-ending fear and stress is a real health issue.
Whether you are only at one end of the spectrum or you swing back and forth from extreme fear to apathy or risk-taking, not having a healthy concept of your right to personal or emotional safety can cause many challenges in your life as you attain adulthood.
One of your first tasks of recovery is to recognize your own personal issues about safety, whatever they might be. Begin by noticing the choices you make on a daily basis:
* Are your choices in your own best interest?
* Do you choose good, healthy food, and exercise to your level of ability?
* Do you choose healthy relationships that honor your need for safety, or are you
re-creating the drama of the incest in emotionally, verbally, or physically
abusive relationship(s)?
* Do you overeat, binge-and-purge, or flirt with anorexia?
* Are you smoking?
* Are you taking sexual risks?
* Are you using drugs or alcohol in a dangerous way?
* Do you cut yourself or deliberately cause yourself physical pain?
You might not see the connection between some of the habits you have developed over time and your right to be safe, but all of the little choices we make for ourselves daily reflect our inner choices about whether we acknowledge and honor our own right to be safe.
Pay attention for a while, and see if you notice a trend. Keeping a journal about this, discussing it with your therapist, or making it an occasional topic in your conversations with people in your support system might be helpful. If you identify a trend in your behavior that indicates you are having trouble claiming your right to be safe, please take steps to reverse the trend, and get whatever medical or psychological support you might need along the way.
Always, forgive yourself. You are learning to live in a different way, and the path does not go in a straight line.