Stepfathers Evolving
"I must not be making much progress, because I’d still like to put a bullet
right between that sick-fuck’s eyes.” After saying these words to my wife the
other day I realized it was probably time for a personal inventory. I could use
some self-reflection.
Why do I, an avowed pacifist, continue to harbor these feelings toward another human being, albeit one in which the common definitions of being human don’t really apply? If I did
something as stupid as killing another person, the wrong person would be behind
bars. This scumbag, who sexually abused his own children, has never served one
day in jail. If he had, he probably would have been taken care of by the other
inmates. Now, that would be justice!
It really all boils down to the question of, how does one confront evil? A pastor friend of mine used to explain that evil cannot exist on its own. It has to have something to feed on.
Good, on the other hand, prospers well on its own and will grow as good continues. So the trick is to not feed evil. Starve it! That’s pretty much what I have tried to do.
When the predator used to stand on the street corner and stare at me driving to work every day, I simply ignored him or stared right back at those hollow eyes. When he tried to get me fired by lying to my boss about my life, I defended myself in the court of public opinion.
When he lied to whoever would listen about how I broke up his family, I stated the facts and moved on, trusting that rational people would see the truth over time. After our vehicles were damaged from his stalking on my property, we did what we had to do and went straight for a five-year restraining order, which we received uncontested.
And so it continued: Graffiti in public restrooms. Drive-by’s in the middle of the night. Using sycophants in the community to spy on us. He tried almost everything. I’m sure to this day that nothing has changed for him and he continues to live in a fantasy world of his own delusions.
I don’t mean to imply that all this crap didn’t affect me emotionally. It was excruciating at times and certainly took its toll. Seeing my spouse and extended family in so much pain and agony for what seemed like endless spans of time was really difficult. The girls both went through periods of hating my guts and no matter how many times I muttered the “this too
shall pass” mantra it seemed as if it would never end.
Being the girls’ teacher through parts of elementary and middle school really didn’t help
as one might think it would. There was never any space, mentally, from the ramifications of all the former abuse. I ended up on anti-depressants for a period of time after realizing that the constant anxiety had damaged my equilibrium. My wife and I needed counseling and we received it in several modalities. We shared a ten-week course on codependence which ended up really helping, but in those moments almost broke us up.
And there were more than a few times when I would ask myself, how did I ever get
into this mess? I didn’t sign up for this insanity. How naïve was I, thinking that love would truly win out in the long run?
Overall though, and thankfully, there was an overarching movement in the right
direction, a movement toward healing and understanding, toward some kind of
clarity and direction - a movement toward love.
In retrospect, I still feel like the best place for any perpetrator is behind bars, but the deck is
stacked against the girls ever receiving that form of justice. If they want to sue in criminal or civil court we will stand behind them 1,000 percent. Nothing would please me more than for the entire community to be able to hear and read the facts of what a duplicitous, peripatetic liar and pervert their father truly is. Am I still angry? Who wouldn’t be? But time has proven that things can get better if you keep on an honest path and try not to feed the evil that
does exist in our world. We’ve gone from fear to a form of fearlessness which is inexorably linked to a slight paraphrase of one of my wife's favorite quotes from author J. California Cooper: “Our life is bigger than you are.”
That’s been the saving grace of sticking it out as a family of choice.
- A Certain Stepfather, 2012
right between that sick-fuck’s eyes.” After saying these words to my wife the
other day I realized it was probably time for a personal inventory. I could use
some self-reflection.
Why do I, an avowed pacifist, continue to harbor these feelings toward another human being, albeit one in which the common definitions of being human don’t really apply? If I did
something as stupid as killing another person, the wrong person would be behind
bars. This scumbag, who sexually abused his own children, has never served one
day in jail. If he had, he probably would have been taken care of by the other
inmates. Now, that would be justice!
It really all boils down to the question of, how does one confront evil? A pastor friend of mine used to explain that evil cannot exist on its own. It has to have something to feed on.
Good, on the other hand, prospers well on its own and will grow as good continues. So the trick is to not feed evil. Starve it! That’s pretty much what I have tried to do.
When the predator used to stand on the street corner and stare at me driving to work every day, I simply ignored him or stared right back at those hollow eyes. When he tried to get me fired by lying to my boss about my life, I defended myself in the court of public opinion.
When he lied to whoever would listen about how I broke up his family, I stated the facts and moved on, trusting that rational people would see the truth over time. After our vehicles were damaged from his stalking on my property, we did what we had to do and went straight for a five-year restraining order, which we received uncontested.
And so it continued: Graffiti in public restrooms. Drive-by’s in the middle of the night. Using sycophants in the community to spy on us. He tried almost everything. I’m sure to this day that nothing has changed for him and he continues to live in a fantasy world of his own delusions.
I don’t mean to imply that all this crap didn’t affect me emotionally. It was excruciating at times and certainly took its toll. Seeing my spouse and extended family in so much pain and agony for what seemed like endless spans of time was really difficult. The girls both went through periods of hating my guts and no matter how many times I muttered the “this too
shall pass” mantra it seemed as if it would never end.
Being the girls’ teacher through parts of elementary and middle school really didn’t help
as one might think it would. There was never any space, mentally, from the ramifications of all the former abuse. I ended up on anti-depressants for a period of time after realizing that the constant anxiety had damaged my equilibrium. My wife and I needed counseling and we received it in several modalities. We shared a ten-week course on codependence which ended up really helping, but in those moments almost broke us up.
And there were more than a few times when I would ask myself, how did I ever get
into this mess? I didn’t sign up for this insanity. How naïve was I, thinking that love would truly win out in the long run?
Overall though, and thankfully, there was an overarching movement in the right
direction, a movement toward healing and understanding, toward some kind of
clarity and direction - a movement toward love.
In retrospect, I still feel like the best place for any perpetrator is behind bars, but the deck is
stacked against the girls ever receiving that form of justice. If they want to sue in criminal or civil court we will stand behind them 1,000 percent. Nothing would please me more than for the entire community to be able to hear and read the facts of what a duplicitous, peripatetic liar and pervert their father truly is. Am I still angry? Who wouldn’t be? But time has proven that things can get better if you keep on an honest path and try not to feed the evil that
does exist in our world. We’ve gone from fear to a form of fearlessness which is inexorably linked to a slight paraphrase of one of my wife's favorite quotes from author J. California Cooper: “Our life is bigger than you are.”
That’s been the saving grace of sticking it out as a family of choice.
- A Certain Stepfather, 2012