Your first job of healing is to determine if you are currently safe, and if you are not, to take carefully planned steps to get safe.
We realize that, aside from the internal struggle and the healing work that needs to be done because safety was lacking in childhood, many recovering people are still in actual danger. If you are living fearfully, especially if you have not yet confronted the perpetrator, there are many things you can do to make yourself feel safer. You can begin by living in a safe neighborhood (if you cannot afford to do that, consider advertising for roommates in a better area – sharing costs is a side-benefit). One of us chose a roommate - a huge, beautiful service dog specially trained to help people with post-traumatic stress disorder. She changed her name and her city, and got a new phone number. At that time, another of us chose to wear a personal alarm that made the most god-awful loud noise you ever heard. She carried it with her car keys, which also had a mini-pepper spray on the ring.
The people around us know our story – we have surrounded ourselves with people who honor our story and who try to understand our healing process. We have never had to use any of our protective measures, but having them in place helps immensely to improve our sense of comfort and confidence as we go about our days. (We do not recommend keeping weapons about –statistics show that they get used by accident on an innocent person far more often than they get used in self-defense against a real attacker).
If you still live in proximity to the perpetrator, consider whether or not a restraining order is a good idea. Restraining orders involve pros and cons, and we really agonized over them before deciding to ask for ours. Our chief concern was that we live in a rural area, and the Deputy can be up to two hours’ drive away at any given time. The second concern was that the restraining order would “escalate” the perpetrator and make him violent, because he would not tolerate any show of defiance from us.
Despite these fears, we reached a point where we were compelled to seek a restraining order because, without one, the authorities were not compelled to protect us. Part of our decision was based upon our intuition that the predator was still interested in “saving face” in the community, and we guessed correctly that he was very concerned about being arrested and jailed, and therefore would be likely to observe the order.
You should make your own decision about a restraining order based upon your particular circumstances – talk it over with several different support systems to get their perspective, such as social services, your local police, or a counselor. A restraining order forces the police to take seriously any future call from you regarding the perpetrator, but remember that you will have to face the perpetrator in a court hearing, where he will have an opportunity to convince a judge that he is not a threat to you. Make sure you have support and the confidence to see the hearing through if you go this route. We were accompanied by court advocates from the local domestic violence shelter, and their help was immeasurable.
The people around us know our story – we have surrounded ourselves with people who honor our story and who try to understand our healing process. We have never had to use any of our protective measures, but having them in place helps immensely to improve our sense of comfort and confidence as we go about our days. (We do not recommend keeping weapons about –statistics show that they get used by accident on an innocent person far more often than they get used in self-defense against a real attacker).
If you still live in proximity to the perpetrator, consider whether or not a restraining order is a good idea. Restraining orders involve pros and cons, and we really agonized over them before deciding to ask for ours. Our chief concern was that we live in a rural area, and the Deputy can be up to two hours’ drive away at any given time. The second concern was that the restraining order would “escalate” the perpetrator and make him violent, because he would not tolerate any show of defiance from us.
Despite these fears, we reached a point where we were compelled to seek a restraining order because, without one, the authorities were not compelled to protect us. Part of our decision was based upon our intuition that the predator was still interested in “saving face” in the community, and we guessed correctly that he was very concerned about being arrested and jailed, and therefore would be likely to observe the order.
You should make your own decision about a restraining order based upon your particular circumstances – talk it over with several different support systems to get their perspective, such as social services, your local police, or a counselor. A restraining order forces the police to take seriously any future call from you regarding the perpetrator, but remember that you will have to face the perpetrator in a court hearing, where he will have an opportunity to convince a judge that he is not a threat to you. Make sure you have support and the confidence to see the hearing through if you go this route. We were accompanied by court advocates from the local domestic violence shelter, and their help was immeasurable.