A Brother's Grief - Continued:
The revelation process started three years ago, about 16 years after the original accusation. I was talking with my stepfather about something completely unrelated at all. He said something strange, I don't even remember what, but it set off some weird alarm in my head and in a matter of moments I was sure he had done something. But I had no proof, only a hunch, so I continued to compile my mistakes and left without saying anything and I haven't talked to him since. My mother finally cornered me last week and asked why I won't speak with him, (it has been manageable up to this point because I live out of state) I asked if we could not talk about it. She pressed more and I panicked, told her I loved her and hung up.
A half and hour later I finally did what I should have done 19 years ago. I found my step sister, simple as could be, in a google search. (Incredibly easy, I could have reached out anytime and yet I didn't) I sent her an email, told her who I was and said I was ready to listen. She wrote back. Strong, smart, kind hearted and open. She courageously shared her story, and tried to make me feel better, telling me it was OK, and she didn't blame me :( I'm crying. I am a wreck. The story she told me was so horrifying and so obviously true that I don't know what to do or say. I am wrought with guilt about how she had to deal with this without my support or love. How could I not have asked her before? How did I do that? And I feel even worse because even now I'm thinking about myself!?! F**k! I'm crying again. S**t.
I spoke with my mother earlier today, and she cried too, I thought it was going to be OK and then told me she believes her husband. I don't know how to feel. I didn't want to admit what I knew to her anyway, or I did, but I knew it would be awful no matter what.
In the end I folded really quickly when she said she had a right to know why I won't speak with him. I told her what I knew. Now there is just the aftermath.
I don't know what I hope to accomplish by writing this out to a faceless website... I am having difficulty navigating and I think I just alienated my entire family and I don't know if I should care if they are angry because I decided to say something. This hurts too much and I don't know how my sister got through it.
I guess it helped to write. Thanks for having a box for me to type into...Believe it or not, that was meant without sarcasm.
Oh, Honey - we're not a faceless website! We are real people who hurt with you and are sending love to you, and we are right over here. This is a devastating truth for you to have to face. I am so sorry. In order to support your sister you have to confront the truth about the father-figure in your life - the man who you loved and who was a role-model to you. It must be horrifying to have to face the fact that he was a sociopath who fooled everyone - a secret monster in your midst. That is a legitimate thing to grieve for yourself even while you grieve the terrible crimes committed against your sister, and suffer with her for what she must have suffered. All of those feelings are real and true and I thank you for the courage it takes to be able to own them, to feel them, to cry your tears. Let them flow - your heart needs to cry.
You ask why you didn't believe your sister the first time she disclosed the abuse - why you didn't see what seems so obvious to you now. I have struggled with those questions every single day without exception since my two daughters disclosed the abuse they suffered at the hands of their father, 5 years after the divorce was final and they finally felt safe enough to tell me. I suddenly could see it all clear as day - and I am here for them now, just like you can really be here for your sister now, in a different way. I have spent so many hours agonizing over how I could not have seen what I see now so clearly, how I could have left them to suffer alone, needing their mommy but having no words with which to speak to me about something that must have been so baffling and hard for my little girls to understand. I have finally concluded that we cannot see incest because it is almost impossible for our brains to absorb something as monstrous as the sexual abuse of children - we can look right at it and not see it simply because it is too horrible a suspicion to fit into our reality. So, for what your reactions have been so far, forgive yourself as your sister seems willing to forgive you. It sounds like she is doing wonderfully well - it sounds like she has had some good counseling and deep healing work. I'll bet she will be so grateful to have you as an ally and supporter, and as a brother. After all, she had to give up her whole family in order to claim the reality of the abuse and fight for her right to heal, despite the denial of those whose validation she probably craved desperately. I'll bet she needs you as much as you need her, right now.
I am sorry that your mother has chosen to believe your stepfather's version of reality. I have to admit that in all my personal experience, research, and conversations with other mothers, the ones who stand by the perpetrator are people I just cannot understand. I understand how cowed and beaten-down wives (physically and emotionally) are trained by the perpetrator not to "see" the abuse - or else they see it but are just downright too terrified to do anything about it. But I never could understand women who participate in the abuse or who just want to put their own mental comfort ahead of their child's right not to be abused. I cannot understand the ones who can stay in denial - but I think it must, somehow, be based upon fear. Fear of confronting reality, fear of drastic changes in all their relationships, fear of public shame and scandal. The ironic thing is that all those things will happen once abuse is disclosed, with or without the wives' denial or acceptance. Please, I beg of you, your sister needs you as an ally. This might mean you will have to, at least for now, draw lines in the sand with the rest of your family. There is no DMZ here - you must choose with whom you will stand. Choose your sister. Grieve with her, share her anger, support her, heal with her. There you will find your own healing. If you have a chance to do so, keep sharing your truth with your mother. You can love her and still hold her accountable for her choices. If you choose to sever your ties with her or if she flees your relationship because she is still stuck in the family trance of incest, let that be all right. The family you are left with will be the one that you need. You DO get to choose your family!
I know these things are true - I am alive today because I chose to stand with my daughters. They forgave me and gave me a reason to go on. Our conversation today, yours and mine, is a direct result of their courage, resilience, and love. Their father is no longer in their lives. No member of our family who failed to believe them and support us in our healing remains in our lives. But I can tell you, the ones who remain comprise a mighty, loving, functional and wonderful family today. That will happen for you, too - gradually. First, there is a lot of crying and healing to do.
On our website there is a tab for the Bill of Rights: http://www.healingincest.org/the-bill-of-rights.html. These concepts have been really helpful to us, and people seem to find some good tools within them. Each "right" has its own page that describes the concepts behind the right. At the end of each section there is a statement from survivors to supporters, describing what we think survivors would like the people in their support systems to know. You might find some of that information helpful as you learn how to be present for your sister, and as you begin to work through dealing with your own feelings. This is a heavy thing to handle, and as real as it gets. Please be sure to get professional counseling if you begin to feel that you are in over your head.
And please write back and let me know how you and your sister are doing? On behalf of her and all of the lonely survivors who need love and advocacy, thank you. We need you.
with love and hope,
Another Mother
A half and hour later I finally did what I should have done 19 years ago. I found my step sister, simple as could be, in a google search. (Incredibly easy, I could have reached out anytime and yet I didn't) I sent her an email, told her who I was and said I was ready to listen. She wrote back. Strong, smart, kind hearted and open. She courageously shared her story, and tried to make me feel better, telling me it was OK, and she didn't blame me :( I'm crying. I am a wreck. The story she told me was so horrifying and so obviously true that I don't know what to do or say. I am wrought with guilt about how she had to deal with this without my support or love. How could I not have asked her before? How did I do that? And I feel even worse because even now I'm thinking about myself!?! F**k! I'm crying again. S**t.
I spoke with my mother earlier today, and she cried too, I thought it was going to be OK and then told me she believes her husband. I don't know how to feel. I didn't want to admit what I knew to her anyway, or I did, but I knew it would be awful no matter what.
In the end I folded really quickly when she said she had a right to know why I won't speak with him. I told her what I knew. Now there is just the aftermath.
I don't know what I hope to accomplish by writing this out to a faceless website... I am having difficulty navigating and I think I just alienated my entire family and I don't know if I should care if they are angry because I decided to say something. This hurts too much and I don't know how my sister got through it.
I guess it helped to write. Thanks for having a box for me to type into...Believe it or not, that was meant without sarcasm.
Oh, Honey - we're not a faceless website! We are real people who hurt with you and are sending love to you, and we are right over here. This is a devastating truth for you to have to face. I am so sorry. In order to support your sister you have to confront the truth about the father-figure in your life - the man who you loved and who was a role-model to you. It must be horrifying to have to face the fact that he was a sociopath who fooled everyone - a secret monster in your midst. That is a legitimate thing to grieve for yourself even while you grieve the terrible crimes committed against your sister, and suffer with her for what she must have suffered. All of those feelings are real and true and I thank you for the courage it takes to be able to own them, to feel them, to cry your tears. Let them flow - your heart needs to cry.
You ask why you didn't believe your sister the first time she disclosed the abuse - why you didn't see what seems so obvious to you now. I have struggled with those questions every single day without exception since my two daughters disclosed the abuse they suffered at the hands of their father, 5 years after the divorce was final and they finally felt safe enough to tell me. I suddenly could see it all clear as day - and I am here for them now, just like you can really be here for your sister now, in a different way. I have spent so many hours agonizing over how I could not have seen what I see now so clearly, how I could have left them to suffer alone, needing their mommy but having no words with which to speak to me about something that must have been so baffling and hard for my little girls to understand. I have finally concluded that we cannot see incest because it is almost impossible for our brains to absorb something as monstrous as the sexual abuse of children - we can look right at it and not see it simply because it is too horrible a suspicion to fit into our reality. So, for what your reactions have been so far, forgive yourself as your sister seems willing to forgive you. It sounds like she is doing wonderfully well - it sounds like she has had some good counseling and deep healing work. I'll bet she will be so grateful to have you as an ally and supporter, and as a brother. After all, she had to give up her whole family in order to claim the reality of the abuse and fight for her right to heal, despite the denial of those whose validation she probably craved desperately. I'll bet she needs you as much as you need her, right now.
I am sorry that your mother has chosen to believe your stepfather's version of reality. I have to admit that in all my personal experience, research, and conversations with other mothers, the ones who stand by the perpetrator are people I just cannot understand. I understand how cowed and beaten-down wives (physically and emotionally) are trained by the perpetrator not to "see" the abuse - or else they see it but are just downright too terrified to do anything about it. But I never could understand women who participate in the abuse or who just want to put their own mental comfort ahead of their child's right not to be abused. I cannot understand the ones who can stay in denial - but I think it must, somehow, be based upon fear. Fear of confronting reality, fear of drastic changes in all their relationships, fear of public shame and scandal. The ironic thing is that all those things will happen once abuse is disclosed, with or without the wives' denial or acceptance. Please, I beg of you, your sister needs you as an ally. This might mean you will have to, at least for now, draw lines in the sand with the rest of your family. There is no DMZ here - you must choose with whom you will stand. Choose your sister. Grieve with her, share her anger, support her, heal with her. There you will find your own healing. If you have a chance to do so, keep sharing your truth with your mother. You can love her and still hold her accountable for her choices. If you choose to sever your ties with her or if she flees your relationship because she is still stuck in the family trance of incest, let that be all right. The family you are left with will be the one that you need. You DO get to choose your family!
I know these things are true - I am alive today because I chose to stand with my daughters. They forgave me and gave me a reason to go on. Our conversation today, yours and mine, is a direct result of their courage, resilience, and love. Their father is no longer in their lives. No member of our family who failed to believe them and support us in our healing remains in our lives. But I can tell you, the ones who remain comprise a mighty, loving, functional and wonderful family today. That will happen for you, too - gradually. First, there is a lot of crying and healing to do.
On our website there is a tab for the Bill of Rights: http://www.healingincest.org/the-bill-of-rights.html. These concepts have been really helpful to us, and people seem to find some good tools within them. Each "right" has its own page that describes the concepts behind the right. At the end of each section there is a statement from survivors to supporters, describing what we think survivors would like the people in their support systems to know. You might find some of that information helpful as you learn how to be present for your sister, and as you begin to work through dealing with your own feelings. This is a heavy thing to handle, and as real as it gets. Please be sure to get professional counseling if you begin to feel that you are in over your head.
And please write back and let me know how you and your sister are doing? On behalf of her and all of the lonely survivors who need love and advocacy, thank you. We need you.
with love and hope,
Another Mother