The lack of resources and support for healing the trauma of incest is a much greater cause of life-problems among survivors than is any inherent or learned depravity to which society condemns survivors by virtue of having been abused.
Our challenge, then, is to dare to believe that we have the right to heal, that we are worthy of the resources and effort it takes to heal, and that we deserve appropriate and loving support from others while we are on our healing path, because it is too daunting a task to achieve alone. There are so many more of us than we realize – we are a mighty army and we should be helping each other. We must convince ourselves of these truths even when our own minds constantly run tapes about our worthlessness and woundedness, even when our communities would rather pretend that we do not exist, and even when our own family members are invested in persuading us against the course of healing - and especially when the perpetrator is using every trick in his book to dissuade us from our efforts. We have found that the journey is hard, but not nearly as hard as remaining stuck in a hopeless place.
The main things we want everyone to know about a survivor’s right to heal:
- Healing is a process and a conscious decision.
- We begin to heal when we are ready – this does not mean giving up any of our feelings of anger or grief, or that we must forgive anyone whom we do not wish to
forgive. - Healing is a highly personal process – we must find our own definition of healing and find the tools for healing that are helpful and meaningful to us.
- Treating ourselves kindly as we heal is a powerful lesson to ourselves about our own
self-worth. - We should never be afraid to ask for the help we need from health professionals, but we must remain in charge of our needs and never abdicate our own judgment about our well-being to someone else.
- When we stop seeing ourselves as victims, the abuse finally stops – forever.
- Nothing about healing goes in a straight line, but the arc trends upward.
- We might never be all the way healed, but we can be extremely well at the same time that we live with these wounds.
- Incest is something that happened to you – it is not who you are.
- Be prepared to end up in places you never expected – with ideas you never knew you would have and with happiness greater than you ever dared to feel you deserve.
- Let the good times be good.
For Family, Friends, and Neighbors
If you are an incest survivor’s family member or other support person, don’t try to push your own agenda on us - you soon might find that you are pushing us away. The more you nag us to feel better, to go to therapy, to talk about the abuse, or to read a certain book (and many more grievous insults to our personal processes), you must consider whether your own guilt is causing you to WANT us to be completely healed right now to ease your own torment. Give us permission to tell you when you are blowing it. Make an ongoing pact with us to allow one another to set boundaries, and then respect them.
As you journey with a healing survivor, make sure always to keep your promises. Even small disappointments, such as breaking a date, can be devastating when we are feeling raw and vulnerable. Offer warmth and comfort, but do not smother us. Be ready to accept us as we are in any given moment, and be open to our changing outlook on who we might choose to become. Do not try to force us into a mold or make assumptions about where we
might end up - offer possibilities and encouragement, but make no judgments.
Above all, do not judge our progress as we heal. You might become impatient as you wait for us to be “all better,” because it is hard to see someone you love suffering – and we know that our struggle is not too much fun to live with, either. Avoid judging our healing from the outside if you have not, yourself, suffered that particular wound. To be told that we aren’t making enough progress to suit you or that we “should be over that by now” is a devastating
invalidation of the depth of our wounds and a cruel infliction of further injury, and can only send us back into victim mode by forcing us to defend our woundedness to you. Just stop
it. You have no right. If you cannot be kind, if you cannot be patient, bow out of the support
role, please.
“Tough love” is not warranted here, unless we truly require intervention because we have become abusive to ourselves or others, in which case we are by definition not on a healing path. Being kind does not mean that you are enabling survivors to stay in a wounded place - kindness gives us respite from a world that we have already found too harsh. If you feel
impatient and do not understand the healing process, or if our process annoys you, please get some professional therapy of your own, before you end up causing more harm than good for those you love.
Family members need healing as much as their loved ones who experienced the incest. Non-offending parents and siblings, especially, have complicated issues of trauma and grief that need healing, whether or not they were abused in the incestuous home. These issues range from feelings of grief, guilt, shame, and remorse, to rage or even resentment of the survivor. Post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, anxiety disorder, and physical ailments can plague non-offending members of the family also.
Do not overlook the importance of your own healing, and do not give in to the idea that you deserve to stay miserable because of your guilt. Crimes were committed against you, as well. You will be of more help to us if you take steps to address your own issues. We also will be extremely encouraged by watching you walk your own healing path.
Getting your own therapy is just as important as having your own support system. There is a balance to be struck between letting us know that you hurt with us (which is validating) and burdening us with your own pain and guilt (which can bring our own healing to a screeching halt because we feel too badly about your pain to share ours with you). One of the most important thingsyou can do to help heal your remorse for not being there for us then, is to be strong enough to be there for us now. Crying together and acknowledging
sadness is a good thing, but your own sadness must not become the focus. Sometimes we need you to put your own issues on hold and let ours come first. Find your own friends, therapists, and family members who will be strong for you. Have someone to lean on
besides us. Walk with us. Do not carry us, and do not make us carry you.
As you journey with a healing survivor, make sure always to keep your promises. Even small disappointments, such as breaking a date, can be devastating when we are feeling raw and vulnerable. Offer warmth and comfort, but do not smother us. Be ready to accept us as we are in any given moment, and be open to our changing outlook on who we might choose to become. Do not try to force us into a mold or make assumptions about where we
might end up - offer possibilities and encouragement, but make no judgments.
Above all, do not judge our progress as we heal. You might become impatient as you wait for us to be “all better,” because it is hard to see someone you love suffering – and we know that our struggle is not too much fun to live with, either. Avoid judging our healing from the outside if you have not, yourself, suffered that particular wound. To be told that we aren’t making enough progress to suit you or that we “should be over that by now” is a devastating
invalidation of the depth of our wounds and a cruel infliction of further injury, and can only send us back into victim mode by forcing us to defend our woundedness to you. Just stop
it. You have no right. If you cannot be kind, if you cannot be patient, bow out of the support
role, please.
“Tough love” is not warranted here, unless we truly require intervention because we have become abusive to ourselves or others, in which case we are by definition not on a healing path. Being kind does not mean that you are enabling survivors to stay in a wounded place - kindness gives us respite from a world that we have already found too harsh. If you feel
impatient and do not understand the healing process, or if our process annoys you, please get some professional therapy of your own, before you end up causing more harm than good for those you love.
Family members need healing as much as their loved ones who experienced the incest. Non-offending parents and siblings, especially, have complicated issues of trauma and grief that need healing, whether or not they were abused in the incestuous home. These issues range from feelings of grief, guilt, shame, and remorse, to rage or even resentment of the survivor. Post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, anxiety disorder, and physical ailments can plague non-offending members of the family also.
Do not overlook the importance of your own healing, and do not give in to the idea that you deserve to stay miserable because of your guilt. Crimes were committed against you, as well. You will be of more help to us if you take steps to address your own issues. We also will be extremely encouraged by watching you walk your own healing path.
Getting your own therapy is just as important as having your own support system. There is a balance to be struck between letting us know that you hurt with us (which is validating) and burdening us with your own pain and guilt (which can bring our own healing to a screeching halt because we feel too badly about your pain to share ours with you). One of the most important thingsyou can do to help heal your remorse for not being there for us then, is to be strong enough to be there for us now. Crying together and acknowledging
sadness is a good thing, but your own sadness must not become the focus. Sometimes we need you to put your own issues on hold and let ours come first. Find your own friends, therapists, and family members who will be strong for you. Have someone to lean on
besides us. Walk with us. Do not carry us, and do not make us carry you.
