As children, we rely on the adults in our lives to provide for our bodies’ basic needs, and we slowly develop toward independence as our bodies grow and our minds are nourished by sensory stimulation and education.
Gradually growing into a healthy and balanced relationship with our own sexuality should be part of the process of becoming independent adults. When this process is interrupted by something as shattering as sexual abuse, developing a healthy relationship with our own sexuality can be extremely challenging. Survivors of child sexual abuse, especially of incest, can be left physically shattered and emotionally confused for the rest of their lives if they do not receive appropriate healing and support. If a child experienced sexual stimulation during the abuse - which is biologically possible but does not make the child in any way culpable for the feeling or make her a consenting partner - the confusion can be profound and the shame can be deep.
Many survivors function sexually in their adult lives, but often they do so without joy or real fulfillment. Sometimes they suffer from long-lasting physical injuries that affect sexual pleasure, sometimes they cannot get past fear and flashbacks, and sometimes they persistently choose inappropriate or unsafe sexual situations for themselves. Many people who are not incest survivors have those problems and more, also - human sexuality is
complex and sometimes baffling. However, we think it is possible to learn to be safe, secure, and joyful in our sexuality - and we believe that all people, especially incest survivors, have the right to do so.
Many survivors function sexually in their adult lives, but often they do so without joy or real fulfillment. Sometimes they suffer from long-lasting physical injuries that affect sexual pleasure, sometimes they cannot get past fear and flashbacks, and sometimes they persistently choose inappropriate or unsafe sexual situations for themselves. Many people who are not incest survivors have those problems and more, also - human sexuality is
complex and sometimes baffling. However, we think it is possible to learn to be safe, secure, and joyful in our sexuality - and we believe that all people, especially incest survivors, have the right to do so.
For us, healthy sexuality is an ongoing relationship with our sexual selves that includes responsible relationships with others in a safe, loving, and fun environment that honors the physical and emotional boundaries of each one involved. We have made a deliberate effort to be as inclusive as possible with our definition, because we feel incest survivors (and many other people in American culture today, for that matter) carry too much unnecessary shame and judgment concerning their own and others’ sexuality. In our opinion, “to each his own” is one of the most important tenets of how as a culture we handle sexuality,
as long as
as long as
as long as
No one’s human rights are violated.
Ever.
That means that sex should happen only between people who:
· are of legal age and emotionally and physically mature enough to give informed consent for any activity,
· will not knowingly put any partner into fear, pain, or shame,
· will listen, hear, and heed any request from their
partners, especially a request to stop, at any time during sexual activity, and
· are prepared to be accountable to themselves, to their partner, and any innocent bystanders for any
consequences arising from decisions they make about their sexual relationship.
The main things we want everyone to know about a
survivor’s right to a joyful, fulfilling sex life with someone you trust:
· Sex is a basic human need, and the ability to enjoy intimacy is necessary to our well-being. Everyone has the right to enjoy safe and joyful sex.
· Human sexuality is so complex that we cannot dictate what “normal” human sexuality is to anyone but ourselves.
· No person should be judged for his or her sexual choices or identity as long as no one’s human rights are violated.
· Childhood sexual abuse interrupts the natural process of a child’s gradual sexual development.
· So-called “sex crimes” are not sexual acts; they are violent acts which are confused with our sexuality in our minds because they involved our sexual organs.
· Healing work for physical and emotional wounds of incest is a separate issue from picking up the development of our sexual selves at the place where it was interrupted by the abuse, but freedom to do the latter depends upon our dedication to the former.
· Healing choices are available for most physical and emotional damage of incest - and we are worth the effort and the expense.
· When we heal our whole lives, our sexual selves accompany us on the healing path, and healthy sexual choices are a natural consequence of our work.
· Life is short and love is sweet - let it find you!
· Human sexuality is so complex that we cannot dictate what “normal” human sexuality is to anyone but ourselves.
· No person should be judged for his or her sexual choices or identity as long as no one’s human rights are violated.
· Childhood sexual abuse interrupts the natural process of a child’s gradual sexual development.
· So-called “sex crimes” are not sexual acts; they are violent acts which are confused with our sexuality in our minds because they involved our sexual organs.
· Healing work for physical and emotional wounds of incest is a separate issue from picking up the development of our sexual selves at the place where it was interrupted by the abuse, but freedom to do the latter depends upon our dedication to the former.
· Healing choices are available for most physical and emotional damage of incest - and we are worth the effort and the expense.
· When we heal our whole lives, our sexual selves accompany us on the healing path, and healthy sexual choices are a natural consequence of our work.
· Life is short and love is sweet - let it find you!
Suggestions for Survivors and
for Family, Friends, and Neighbors:
Physical Injuries
Unfortunately, depending on the number and severity of the assaults and the age of your body when the attacks occurred, physical damage might be lingering or even just showing up in young adulthood. Little bodies just are not designed for penetration by an adult – and nobody’s body was built to be entered forcibly. Scar tissue can cause pain from time to time, and fissures can cause pain and bleeding for many years after abuse ends. These injuries can cause discomfort, inconvenience and, of course, sadness when they
flare. Sometimes spinal injuries result from atrocities inflicted upon little pelvic cradles unable to withstand the assaults. Herniated discs in the lower spine and nerve damage are common injuries that often turn up later in life as a result of childhood sexual assault.
Other vaginal disorders resulting from child sexual abuse can be vaginismus, which is a painful, involuntary spasm of the vaginal walls that makes penetration extremely painful or even impossible; a ragged hymen, or a “vaulted” vagina. Therapeutic and sometimes surgical intervention can be very helpful in many cases, but we recommend that survivors contemplating these therapies or surgeries work with a good, certified psychotherapist to address the emotional trauma of the abuse before and during medical intervention, because that sort of physical therapy almost certainly will trigger intense emotional reactions. Sometimes medical intervention is critical and necessary immediately, and that experience can be a catalyst for entering therapy.
Children also can contract sexually transmitted diseases (STD’s), and in the case of covert incest the STD’s can become chronic and cause lifelong physical problems, including infertility, because they are not detected or treated properly. Neurological symptoms are common among child sexual abuse survivors, as well, and very severe abuse at a young age can cause developmental deficiencies in the brain. Post-traumatic stress disorder is becoming recognized as a very common result of child sexual abuse and rape, also.
Fortunately, much help is becoming available from enlightened and informed specialists in these areas who understand how the medical and emotional factors of this type of trauma are inextricably linked. Some gynecologists specialize in sexual trauma recovery, and can be very important sources of encouragement, healing, and validation. As we work on our emotional healing, our comfort level with seeking appropriate medical care will increase.
Discussing medical care for wounds created by sexual trauma can be frightening and stressful, but seeking and receiving appropriate care is a very important way of nurturing ourselves – this is a visible manifestation of our new resolve to honor and care for ourselves. We are worth the care, the treatment, the therapy, and, most of all, the healing.
If you carry physical injury from sexual abuse, we urge you to love yourself and be responsible for your own well-being. Find the best available care possible for yourself.
Hold yourself accountable for providing yourself with the care that you need – show the hurt little girl inside that the “grownup you” is there for her, and can take care of her. If you do not have insurance and cannot afford care, go to Planned Parenthood or a community women’s health center, or see if you qualify for state-sponsored medical care. Your
local social services office will be able to tell you about the options available in your area. Have the courage to walk through the door, identify yourself, and ask for care. If you have the good fortune to have a primary care provider, please be sure to tell your full story to him or her. The abuse should be in your medical record and travel with you from doctor to doctor - if a caregiver does not know the full story, she or he might miss something terribly important while planning your care.
As your physical health and comfort level improves, you will begin to feel safer in sexual situations, and you can begin to take up your sexual development process where it left
off.
If you are the mother, partner, or friend of an abuse survivor who is carrying physical wounds, encourage us to seek the healing assistance needed. Offer to accompany us to the appointment. Parents, if we are not on your healthcare plan any more and cannot afford care, pay for it for us – what’s another notch on the credit card, when it comes
to caring for your precious child? This is one of the tangible ways to make amends for whatever accountability you had in creating the trance of incest.
Some of the so-called experts in this field insist that only a small number of children sustain actual physical trauma from childhood sexual abuse. We have yet to meet even one survivor who does not carry an injury, which makes us highly skeptical of the 10 percent figure estimated currently, and makes us wonder how the researcher happened to find survivors to interview who had only really gentle abusers. If you are, however, one of the lucky few who are not carrying any of the physical effects of incest we have just described here, please know that we consider emotional pain just as valid a scar. Please do not minimize your need for care and healing just because you do not have scars on your body – incest is a wound to the mind and spirit, as well as to the body. Doctors and mental health
care professionals who do not believe that incest induces trauma by its very definition need to have their licenses examined.
Fear and Flashbacks
Many abuse survivors report experiencing extreme fear and flashbacks of the abuse while involved in sexual activity with a loved one that, in all other respects, is safe. Survivors might experience the flashbacks as a betrayal by their bodies or minds – partners might be frightened, bewildered, insulted, or even angry with their survivor/lover for not differentiating between themselves and the abuser. Persistent flashbacks can cause problems in relationships, and they certainly can interfere with enjoyment of sex and intimacy to the point where survivors might actually dread being invited by their partner to have sex, no matter how much they love him or her.
If flashbacks or nonspecific fear and panic accompany sexual activity once or twice at the beginning of a relationship with a new person, then it probably is nothing to worry about – many of us need to go through a time of convincing ourselves that our new partner is nothing like our abuser. If the fear is persistent, you will want to seek help from your psychotherapist before it begins to damage your relationship. This definitely is a circumstance where you will want to work hard on differentiating between the abuse as a sex act and the abuse as an assault. The abuse does not define your sexuality or your character – it was an attack on your sex organs and does not define your sexual self – you define your sexual self. The abuser did not take title to your body, mind, or spirit, even though it might have felt that way at the time – you still own yourself. Keep shopping until you find a therapist who will help you get there.
Your partner’s reaction to this challenging circumstance will tell you everything about whether he or she is made of strong enough stuff to be in a long-term relationship with you. If your partner begins to show signs of impatience, petulance, or even bullying, consider moving on. You need a partner who will wait patiently for you to do the healing work
you need to do, and who will offer to accompany you and assist you in whatever way is requested (are you paying attention, partners?). The sensitive, caring people who will make safe, sexy, and fun partners for you will be rare ones, indeed – but they are worth waiting for.
Sex Drive?
What Sex Drive?
Many, many survivors go through a time of feeling completely disconnected from their sexual selves. This is perfectly understandable, given that many of us never had a
chance to discover our sexual self before it was brutally taken from us. Fear of pain, fear of the opposite sex, fear of injury, carried shame, and PTSD are notorious libido killers, to name just a few. Many women will go along with sexual activity to keep peace in their relationships, but find it a joyless chore without orgasm or emotional satisfaction.
Sometimes expressing anger in a safe and appropriate way, with therapeutic supervision, can wake up a sex drive. Anger and depression really can block the joyful and empowering energy that leads to sexual enjoyment and orgasm. Doing the healing work necessary to
reclaim all of the lost parts of our lives, including our sexuality, helps us to regain our joy of living and our ability to trust emotionally, which are some of the greatest aphrodisiacs. A
little bit of gratitude can be pretty sexy, as well.
Whatever your choices for healing your sexuality, remember to exercise all of your other rights in connection to this most precious and basic right to a healthy and joyful sexuality - be safe, express your feelings and make sure they are respected, have appropriate boundaries, and constructively confront when necessary. Unconditional love with accountability is never more important than when allowing our most intimate selves to be in physical, emotional, and spiritual communion with others.
Unfortunately, depending on the number and severity of the assaults and the age of your body when the attacks occurred, physical damage might be lingering or even just showing up in young adulthood. Little bodies just are not designed for penetration by an adult – and nobody’s body was built to be entered forcibly. Scar tissue can cause pain from time to time, and fissures can cause pain and bleeding for many years after abuse ends. These injuries can cause discomfort, inconvenience and, of course, sadness when they
flare. Sometimes spinal injuries result from atrocities inflicted upon little pelvic cradles unable to withstand the assaults. Herniated discs in the lower spine and nerve damage are common injuries that often turn up later in life as a result of childhood sexual assault.
Other vaginal disorders resulting from child sexual abuse can be vaginismus, which is a painful, involuntary spasm of the vaginal walls that makes penetration extremely painful or even impossible; a ragged hymen, or a “vaulted” vagina. Therapeutic and sometimes surgical intervention can be very helpful in many cases, but we recommend that survivors contemplating these therapies or surgeries work with a good, certified psychotherapist to address the emotional trauma of the abuse before and during medical intervention, because that sort of physical therapy almost certainly will trigger intense emotional reactions. Sometimes medical intervention is critical and necessary immediately, and that experience can be a catalyst for entering therapy.
Children also can contract sexually transmitted diseases (STD’s), and in the case of covert incest the STD’s can become chronic and cause lifelong physical problems, including infertility, because they are not detected or treated properly. Neurological symptoms are common among child sexual abuse survivors, as well, and very severe abuse at a young age can cause developmental deficiencies in the brain. Post-traumatic stress disorder is becoming recognized as a very common result of child sexual abuse and rape, also.
Fortunately, much help is becoming available from enlightened and informed specialists in these areas who understand how the medical and emotional factors of this type of trauma are inextricably linked. Some gynecologists specialize in sexual trauma recovery, and can be very important sources of encouragement, healing, and validation. As we work on our emotional healing, our comfort level with seeking appropriate medical care will increase.
Discussing medical care for wounds created by sexual trauma can be frightening and stressful, but seeking and receiving appropriate care is a very important way of nurturing ourselves – this is a visible manifestation of our new resolve to honor and care for ourselves. We are worth the care, the treatment, the therapy, and, most of all, the healing.
If you carry physical injury from sexual abuse, we urge you to love yourself and be responsible for your own well-being. Find the best available care possible for yourself.
Hold yourself accountable for providing yourself with the care that you need – show the hurt little girl inside that the “grownup you” is there for her, and can take care of her. If you do not have insurance and cannot afford care, go to Planned Parenthood or a community women’s health center, or see if you qualify for state-sponsored medical care. Your
local social services office will be able to tell you about the options available in your area. Have the courage to walk through the door, identify yourself, and ask for care. If you have the good fortune to have a primary care provider, please be sure to tell your full story to him or her. The abuse should be in your medical record and travel with you from doctor to doctor - if a caregiver does not know the full story, she or he might miss something terribly important while planning your care.
As your physical health and comfort level improves, you will begin to feel safer in sexual situations, and you can begin to take up your sexual development process where it left
off.
If you are the mother, partner, or friend of an abuse survivor who is carrying physical wounds, encourage us to seek the healing assistance needed. Offer to accompany us to the appointment. Parents, if we are not on your healthcare plan any more and cannot afford care, pay for it for us – what’s another notch on the credit card, when it comes
to caring for your precious child? This is one of the tangible ways to make amends for whatever accountability you had in creating the trance of incest.
Some of the so-called experts in this field insist that only a small number of children sustain actual physical trauma from childhood sexual abuse. We have yet to meet even one survivor who does not carry an injury, which makes us highly skeptical of the 10 percent figure estimated currently, and makes us wonder how the researcher happened to find survivors to interview who had only really gentle abusers. If you are, however, one of the lucky few who are not carrying any of the physical effects of incest we have just described here, please know that we consider emotional pain just as valid a scar. Please do not minimize your need for care and healing just because you do not have scars on your body – incest is a wound to the mind and spirit, as well as to the body. Doctors and mental health
care professionals who do not believe that incest induces trauma by its very definition need to have their licenses examined.
Fear and Flashbacks
Many abuse survivors report experiencing extreme fear and flashbacks of the abuse while involved in sexual activity with a loved one that, in all other respects, is safe. Survivors might experience the flashbacks as a betrayal by their bodies or minds – partners might be frightened, bewildered, insulted, or even angry with their survivor/lover for not differentiating between themselves and the abuser. Persistent flashbacks can cause problems in relationships, and they certainly can interfere with enjoyment of sex and intimacy to the point where survivors might actually dread being invited by their partner to have sex, no matter how much they love him or her.
If flashbacks or nonspecific fear and panic accompany sexual activity once or twice at the beginning of a relationship with a new person, then it probably is nothing to worry about – many of us need to go through a time of convincing ourselves that our new partner is nothing like our abuser. If the fear is persistent, you will want to seek help from your psychotherapist before it begins to damage your relationship. This definitely is a circumstance where you will want to work hard on differentiating between the abuse as a sex act and the abuse as an assault. The abuse does not define your sexuality or your character – it was an attack on your sex organs and does not define your sexual self – you define your sexual self. The abuser did not take title to your body, mind, or spirit, even though it might have felt that way at the time – you still own yourself. Keep shopping until you find a therapist who will help you get there.
Your partner’s reaction to this challenging circumstance will tell you everything about whether he or she is made of strong enough stuff to be in a long-term relationship with you. If your partner begins to show signs of impatience, petulance, or even bullying, consider moving on. You need a partner who will wait patiently for you to do the healing work
you need to do, and who will offer to accompany you and assist you in whatever way is requested (are you paying attention, partners?). The sensitive, caring people who will make safe, sexy, and fun partners for you will be rare ones, indeed – but they are worth waiting for.
Sex Drive?
What Sex Drive?
Many, many survivors go through a time of feeling completely disconnected from their sexual selves. This is perfectly understandable, given that many of us never had a
chance to discover our sexual self before it was brutally taken from us. Fear of pain, fear of the opposite sex, fear of injury, carried shame, and PTSD are notorious libido killers, to name just a few. Many women will go along with sexual activity to keep peace in their relationships, but find it a joyless chore without orgasm or emotional satisfaction.
Sometimes expressing anger in a safe and appropriate way, with therapeutic supervision, can wake up a sex drive. Anger and depression really can block the joyful and empowering energy that leads to sexual enjoyment and orgasm. Doing the healing work necessary to
reclaim all of the lost parts of our lives, including our sexuality, helps us to regain our joy of living and our ability to trust emotionally, which are some of the greatest aphrodisiacs. A
little bit of gratitude can be pretty sexy, as well.
Whatever your choices for healing your sexuality, remember to exercise all of your other rights in connection to this most precious and basic right to a healthy and joyful sexuality - be safe, express your feelings and make sure they are respected, have appropriate boundaries, and constructively confront when necessary. Unconditional love with accountability is never more important than when allowing our most intimate selves to be in physical, emotional, and spiritual communion with others.