We did not formulate the Incest Survivor’s Bill of Rights to be a “program” or a progression of steps to be worked in a certain order. But the first Right, the
right to be safe, was placed first for a reason – it is the only Right that we deliberately gave a ranking. Nothing else can happen – no grieving, no healing,
no repair to relationships - until the abuse has stopped and the child is out of the dangerous situation.
We do not use the term “safety” to mean only the
absence of danger, although that is surely the first criterion. Safety is a concept that a child learns as an infant, when her need for food, warmth, comfort, and human bonding is met by adults in response to her cries of distress.
Through these most primary ministrations, an infant learns several important concepts:
· Feelings of pain, hunger, or fear are not the normal order of business;
· It is appropriate to make her needs known; and
· She is a precious being who deserves love and care.
The main things we want everyone to know about a
survivor’s right to safety:
* People react in many different ways to having been unsafe for long periods of time.
* Your first job of healing is to determine if you are currently safe, and if you are not, to take carefully planned steps to get safe.
* As soon as you are safe in your current life, your job of healing is to determine your internal relationship with your right to safety and strive for a healthy and functional outlook. Even if you did not develop a sense of safety as a child, you can learn how to feel safe and insist upon your right to be safe.
* Unconditional love with accountability is the most important concept to foster in a healing (and safe) family. Accountability does not mean shame, guilt, blame, or judgment. It simply means noticing the relationships between our choices and their consequences and, when appropriate, helping those we love to recognize those relationships in a loving and supportive way.
* The person who most needs unconditional love with accountability is our self, from our self.
* Your first job of healing is to determine if you are currently safe, and if you are not, to take carefully planned steps to get safe.
* As soon as you are safe in your current life, your job of healing is to determine your internal relationship with your right to safety and strive for a healthy and functional outlook. Even if you did not develop a sense of safety as a child, you can learn how to feel safe and insist upon your right to be safe.
* Unconditional love with accountability is the most important concept to foster in a healing (and safe) family. Accountability does not mean shame, guilt, blame, or judgment. It simply means noticing the relationships between our choices and their consequences and, when appropriate, helping those we love to recognize those relationships in a loving and supportive way.
* The person who most needs unconditional love with accountability is our self, from our self.
For Family, Friends, and Neighbors
If you are someone who suspects that incest might be happening in a family you know, we guess that you probably want to help. We also know that you
probably are terrified and overwhelmed. Unfortunately, this reaction is almost universal, which is why incest is such a silent epidemic. We believe
that people need to start speaking out despite their fears, which include some of the following:
* we might face legal or even violent retribution from members of the accused family,
* we might be wrong – and an innocent person might be destroyed by the accusation, and
* we might cause the child even more harm in the long run, if appropriate help does not follow the accusation.
Of course, if your instincts are correct, the result of doing nothing because of these fears or others is that a child will continue to be destroyed in body and spirit.
One of the things we learned first (the hard way) about incest is that it is such an unspeakable crime that most people doubt their own instincts even when they believe they are confronted with evidence of the abuse. We suggest that the contrary more often is true - if your instincts lead you to contemplate something so unspeakable, your suspicion probably is warranted – our minds usually do not concoct such outrageous thoughts out of thin air. If you are not sure whether or not to believe your own eyes, here are some classic signs that might mean that a child is being sexually abused:
* the child tries to gain approval of adults by seeking inappropriate attention – that is, seductively,
* the child has a sexual vocabulary and knowledge far beyond his or her developmental stage,
* the child has a fear of interacting with adults,
* the child shows signs of physical abuse such as unexplained bruises, bleeding from the vaginal area, and urinary tract infections,
* the child does not want to go into the bathroom, or be left alone when
vulnerable,
* the adult under suspicion takes special care to keep the child under his or her control, allowing her little freedom to express herself to other adults,
* the adult under suspicion makes inappropriately sexual remarks about his child to others, seeming not to understand appropriate sexual boundaries with his children,
* older children might neglect personal hygiene, and
* any child who is molesting other children or initiating younger children into sexual activity should be considered almost certainly in harm’s way – someone is teaching the child to do these things, and involving other children in sexuality in a manner that is sure to be found out by adults is a classic way of crying out for help.
So, if the small voice that warns of potential incest will not be stilled and in fact grows more strident, how does one handle the disclosure? We recommend that you do not disclose your fears to the innocent parent. Many so-called innocent parents recall with remorse and regret the several occasions when well-meaning friends or family members attempted to tell them how worried they were about their children, or how they saw that the child's relationship with her or his father seemed to involve some inappropriate boundaries. Many non-offending parents are exhausted, terrified, and completely shut-down people who have no resources for coping with the information they are being given, and as such are simply not capable of processing it, so their children continue to suffer alone. Perpetrators are often extremely talented liars who can be very smooth and charming, thus sabotaging any effort to expose their secret.
Please do not just wade alone, without a plan, into a troubled family and make pronouncements - it really can do more harm than good.
If a well-meaning support system makes their suspicions known to local law enforcement or Child Protective Services, official action might not result, but the nonoffending parent might be forced to come out of denial and hear their messages. Get yourself a posse. Have a plan. Get others involved - hopefully include a specialist or two.
Of course, if you report suspected incest to the authorities, you should
be prepared for all hell to break loose. If you live in a small town, expect to be vilified by the alleged perpetrator’s supporters. Prepare to have the “innocent” spouse turn on you, perhaps viciously, as she defends her husband. Worse, prepare to have nothing happen except for the child to be returned to the home after a short period of investigation, with nothing gained.
Despite the bleak picture these possibilities paint, your intervention will have been worthwhile, if only to increase the number of disclosures made so that public consciousness begins to be raised on the subject. We simply must speak the unspeakable.
In some states, a complaint may be made anonymously. Without anonymity, those who file a complaint might face a lawsuit by the “injured” parties. You must also be prepared that your disclosure will fall on deaf ears – law enforcement and social services resources are scarce for this type of intervention.
Please, do it anyway.
Before you do, take time to prepare yourself. Take time to research
incest and its signs. Talk to your local domestic violence shelter and get professional advice. Build a support system of trusted friends who can encourage you and lend a listening ear - someone you trust needs to know what you are contemplating. Based upon your particular set of circumstances, set mitigating measures in place for the pitfalls you might encounter. Be aware that you might be called to testify - at the very least you might have to sign a sworn statement.
The quality of life of an abused or neglected child can be changed for the better by one caring adult who is willing to go out on a limb. Please be that person.
If you are a family member who has lived through the hell of a loved one disclosing incest to you, there are some things you can do to help us feel more safe as we begins to deal with the aftermath of disclosure and the challenges of healing. The first thing you can do is to help brainstorm ways to help us feel safer, and give of your practical resources to implement the safety measures, when possible. As we brainstorm, let us choose what measures to implement. Give us control over our own solutions whenever possible.
Even if it seems counter-intuitive to you, validate our fearful feelings as much as you can without escalating them. We has spent much of our lives being told by the perpetrator and perhaps, also, by the innocent spouse that our perceptions of our own lives are invalid - we need to define and name our own feelings, and have them honored. Do not try to talk us out of feeling frightened by listing logical reasons that our fears might be unfounded. We can work on that with a therapist when it is time, but it is not your job to convince us that our feelings are inaccurate. At the same time, try to be calm and not escalate our fears.
Take your cues from us and be sensitive to our needs.
Never take steps to implement your own ideas for keeping us safe without
discussing them with us first. We need to be in control of our own solutions.
If we are acting out our fear by making risky decisions, you need to activate your unconditional love with accountability. Confront us gently by using “I” messages, such as “I am concerned that you don’t seem to be thinking about your own well-being. I love you and I want you to be safe. How can I help?” Do not support risky behavior with your resources or your time. If you find yourself changing your life around in order to “manage” our risky behavior, or if you find yourself enabling the risky behavior so as to avoid a confrontation, read up on codependency and consider getting professional help.
If you struggle with guilt issues about the incest, take care to be aware of that fact, and do not let your guilty feelings convince you to go along with our dangerous choices. Your job is to help us survive and heal, but you must maintain your own equilibrium while doing so.
Above all, confront your own issues about safety in the context of being part of an incestuous family, and take for yourself the same steps that we are trying to take for ourselves. Share your conclusions with us, when the time is appropriate. We need to see you working on these issues for yourself. That way, we are in the business of healing together, and your words will be credible if we see you confronting your own safety issues to the best of your ability.
probably are terrified and overwhelmed. Unfortunately, this reaction is almost universal, which is why incest is such a silent epidemic. We believe
that people need to start speaking out despite their fears, which include some of the following:
* we might face legal or even violent retribution from members of the accused family,
* we might be wrong – and an innocent person might be destroyed by the accusation, and
* we might cause the child even more harm in the long run, if appropriate help does not follow the accusation.
Of course, if your instincts are correct, the result of doing nothing because of these fears or others is that a child will continue to be destroyed in body and spirit.
One of the things we learned first (the hard way) about incest is that it is such an unspeakable crime that most people doubt their own instincts even when they believe they are confronted with evidence of the abuse. We suggest that the contrary more often is true - if your instincts lead you to contemplate something so unspeakable, your suspicion probably is warranted – our minds usually do not concoct such outrageous thoughts out of thin air. If you are not sure whether or not to believe your own eyes, here are some classic signs that might mean that a child is being sexually abused:
* the child tries to gain approval of adults by seeking inappropriate attention – that is, seductively,
* the child has a sexual vocabulary and knowledge far beyond his or her developmental stage,
* the child has a fear of interacting with adults,
* the child shows signs of physical abuse such as unexplained bruises, bleeding from the vaginal area, and urinary tract infections,
* the child does not want to go into the bathroom, or be left alone when
vulnerable,
* the adult under suspicion takes special care to keep the child under his or her control, allowing her little freedom to express herself to other adults,
* the adult under suspicion makes inappropriately sexual remarks about his child to others, seeming not to understand appropriate sexual boundaries with his children,
* older children might neglect personal hygiene, and
* any child who is molesting other children or initiating younger children into sexual activity should be considered almost certainly in harm’s way – someone is teaching the child to do these things, and involving other children in sexuality in a manner that is sure to be found out by adults is a classic way of crying out for help.
So, if the small voice that warns of potential incest will not be stilled and in fact grows more strident, how does one handle the disclosure? We recommend that you do not disclose your fears to the innocent parent. Many so-called innocent parents recall with remorse and regret the several occasions when well-meaning friends or family members attempted to tell them how worried they were about their children, or how they saw that the child's relationship with her or his father seemed to involve some inappropriate boundaries. Many non-offending parents are exhausted, terrified, and completely shut-down people who have no resources for coping with the information they are being given, and as such are simply not capable of processing it, so their children continue to suffer alone. Perpetrators are often extremely talented liars who can be very smooth and charming, thus sabotaging any effort to expose their secret.
Please do not just wade alone, without a plan, into a troubled family and make pronouncements - it really can do more harm than good.
If a well-meaning support system makes their suspicions known to local law enforcement or Child Protective Services, official action might not result, but the nonoffending parent might be forced to come out of denial and hear their messages. Get yourself a posse. Have a plan. Get others involved - hopefully include a specialist or two.
Of course, if you report suspected incest to the authorities, you should
be prepared for all hell to break loose. If you live in a small town, expect to be vilified by the alleged perpetrator’s supporters. Prepare to have the “innocent” spouse turn on you, perhaps viciously, as she defends her husband. Worse, prepare to have nothing happen except for the child to be returned to the home after a short period of investigation, with nothing gained.
Despite the bleak picture these possibilities paint, your intervention will have been worthwhile, if only to increase the number of disclosures made so that public consciousness begins to be raised on the subject. We simply must speak the unspeakable.
In some states, a complaint may be made anonymously. Without anonymity, those who file a complaint might face a lawsuit by the “injured” parties. You must also be prepared that your disclosure will fall on deaf ears – law enforcement and social services resources are scarce for this type of intervention.
Please, do it anyway.
Before you do, take time to prepare yourself. Take time to research
incest and its signs. Talk to your local domestic violence shelter and get professional advice. Build a support system of trusted friends who can encourage you and lend a listening ear - someone you trust needs to know what you are contemplating. Based upon your particular set of circumstances, set mitigating measures in place for the pitfalls you might encounter. Be aware that you might be called to testify - at the very least you might have to sign a sworn statement.
The quality of life of an abused or neglected child can be changed for the better by one caring adult who is willing to go out on a limb. Please be that person.
If you are a family member who has lived through the hell of a loved one disclosing incest to you, there are some things you can do to help us feel more safe as we begins to deal with the aftermath of disclosure and the challenges of healing. The first thing you can do is to help brainstorm ways to help us feel safer, and give of your practical resources to implement the safety measures, when possible. As we brainstorm, let us choose what measures to implement. Give us control over our own solutions whenever possible.
Even if it seems counter-intuitive to you, validate our fearful feelings as much as you can without escalating them. We has spent much of our lives being told by the perpetrator and perhaps, also, by the innocent spouse that our perceptions of our own lives are invalid - we need to define and name our own feelings, and have them honored. Do not try to talk us out of feeling frightened by listing logical reasons that our fears might be unfounded. We can work on that with a therapist when it is time, but it is not your job to convince us that our feelings are inaccurate. At the same time, try to be calm and not escalate our fears.
Take your cues from us and be sensitive to our needs.
Never take steps to implement your own ideas for keeping us safe without
discussing them with us first. We need to be in control of our own solutions.
If we are acting out our fear by making risky decisions, you need to activate your unconditional love with accountability. Confront us gently by using “I” messages, such as “I am concerned that you don’t seem to be thinking about your own well-being. I love you and I want you to be safe. How can I help?” Do not support risky behavior with your resources or your time. If you find yourself changing your life around in order to “manage” our risky behavior, or if you find yourself enabling the risky behavior so as to avoid a confrontation, read up on codependency and consider getting professional help.
If you struggle with guilt issues about the incest, take care to be aware of that fact, and do not let your guilty feelings convince you to go along with our dangerous choices. Your job is to help us survive and heal, but you must maintain your own equilibrium while doing so.
Above all, confront your own issues about safety in the context of being part of an incestuous family, and take for yourself the same steps that we are trying to take for ourselves. Share your conclusions with us, when the time is appropriate. We need to see you working on these issues for yourself. That way, we are in the business of healing together, and your words will be credible if we see you confronting your own safety issues to the best of your ability.
