The Confrontation Imperative
A current case of incest involving a child is a crime in
progress and must be reported to law enforcement immediately. Do not “have a talk” with the innocent spouse (who might be in denial or even in sympathy with the perpetrator), do not inform other relatives (who might be more interested in protecting the family name than in caring for a battered child), do not call Child Protective Services (which usually is understaffed and underfunded), and do not call the school or your church (who will call CPS). Call the police. Call the Sheriff. If someone asks you if it is an emergency, say yes.
Have we been the least bit unclear on this point? We hope not. When you call the police on a suspected case of incest, you open up a can of whoop-ass of frightening proportions, so be prepared. The police and the District Attorney might “disappear” all the kids in the house right into the County foster-child system or they might release the perpetrator right back into the home. In a few cases the innocent spouse will wise up and get some support, the children will get therapy, and the perpetrator will get some jail time. We cannot foresee any specific outcome, and the system is badly, reprehensibly, broken and bankrupt. There are many peace officers and social workers out there, however, who really care about the welfare of a child, and this course remains the child’s only realistic chance for some justice, safety, and healing. Do not second-guess yourself - do it.
The options available to adult incest survivors are less concrete.
An adult survivor who is not in immediate danger, but is nevertheless suffering the trauma of abuse, might not have enough self-confidence to withstand the horror show that constitutes an attempt to hold a perpetrator legally responsible for the damage in court. The statutes of limitations vary from place to place, and by the time a survivor is emotionally ready to take action, the case could be moot due to the statute of limitations. A survivor might believe herself still to be in physical danger and be too fearful to make an attempt to confront the perpetrator. A survivor might be unable to tolerate the emotional trauma that the perpetrator might experience if she turns him in, because she is still in the trance of incest. A survivor might not have the sort of family and community support necessary to withstand the resulting onslaught against her dwindling physical, emotional, and financial resources, all of which will be drained by a confrontation. Moreover, lingering damage from a childhood of abuse might render a survivor simply emotionally incapable of marshaling a confrontation.
The job of a support person of an adult survivor is to help us become sturdy, unafraid, and very, very clear about how we want to handle any type of confrontation about the abuse with each person who was involved – including the perpetrator. When we have decided, you can help us to make a plan for confrontation and implement it, if that is what we want to do. We already have had practice with confrontation if we have disclosed the incest to anyone, because confrontation is the same basic exercise as disclosure, except the stakes are higher.
The job of a support person of an adult survivor is to help us become sturdy, unafraid, and very, very clear about how we want to handle any type of confrontation about the abuse with each person who was involved – including the perpetrator. When we have decided, you can help us to make a plan for confrontation and implement it, if that is what we want to do. We already have had practice with confrontation if we have disclosed the incest to anyone, because confrontation is the same basic exercise as disclosure, except the stakes are higher.
The main things we want everyone to know about a survivor’s right to control if or how to confront the perpetrator:
· Confrontation of the perpetrator and others involved in the incest can be a powerful healing experience if done properly.
· Sometimes confronting others who were involved in the incest before confronting the perpetrator can help to build a team of supporters and give valuable validation.
· Confrontation with family members other than the perpetrator is a powerful way to exercise the concept of unconditional love with accountability, but the people who were involved in the trance of incest must be open to being accountable for their behavior that might have contributed to the abusive environment.
· Above all, an adult survivor must be given the right to make the final decision on if, when, and how a perpetrator is confronted. Support people should help the survivor sort through options and plan the confrontation, but should always allow the survivor full control of the decision unless she is not acting rationally and her safety is at stake.
· Our broken social and legal systems are the only hope for a child currently living with abuse – call the police if you know a child whom you suspect is being abused.
· Don’t expect an apology – ever. But don’t sweat it – no matter what else does or doesn’t happen, the perpetrator already is in hell, where he belongs.
· Sometimes confronting others who were involved in the incest before confronting the perpetrator can help to build a team of supporters and give valuable validation.
· Confrontation with family members other than the perpetrator is a powerful way to exercise the concept of unconditional love with accountability, but the people who were involved in the trance of incest must be open to being accountable for their behavior that might have contributed to the abusive environment.
· Above all, an adult survivor must be given the right to make the final decision on if, when, and how a perpetrator is confronted. Support people should help the survivor sort through options and plan the confrontation, but should always allow the survivor full control of the decision unless she is not acting rationally and her safety is at stake.
· Our broken social and legal systems are the only hope for a child currently living with abuse – call the police if you know a child whom you suspect is being abused.
· Don’t expect an apology – ever. But don’t sweat it – no matter what else does or doesn’t happen, the perpetrator already is in hell, where he belongs.
Suggestions for Survivors
If you are a survivor who has not yet made a decision about confronting your perpetrator, please proceed with caution and with safety as your first priority. Get professional help with sorting through your options, if you can. Social workers, mental health care providers, domestic violence shelters, and even legal aid offices can be good sources of information.
If you have a comfortable relationship with anyone who understands the criminal justice system, especially a member of law enforcement, you might find her or his advice helpful.
Remember, don’t be a Lone Ranger and do not be spontaneous. Make sure that whatever you do, you do it with a plan and the appropriate support.
If you decide to prosecute or bring a civil proceeding, please research the entire process thoroughly. Get some coaching on how these cases are structured and organized, and talk to people who have been through a similar proceeding. Many social services agencies have a list of court advocates who can help you, and the local domestic violence shelter might even have someone who will accompany you to court.
While you are healing and gathering courage, support, and resources as you decide if and how you will choose to confront your perpetrator or others who were part of the incest trance, know that there is power in fantasy. You can confront anyone you would like, at any time, in your imagination. You can write letters, tell off a pillow in a chair, or make voice recordings - anything you would like. This sort of fantasy work is powerful and healing.
Everyone in our family has dreams in which we confront various people involved with the abuse. Sometimes the dreams are frightening, and we tell ourselves that this is our mind’s gift to us - we can process really frightening stuff in our sleep, and be made aware of where the damage still lies within us. Sometimes the dreams are empowering, and those dreams are the greatest gift from ourselves that we could ask for – the dreams in which we fight for ourselves, and win. We even can dream that we get apologies and requests for forgiveness, and that the perpetrator finally cries tears of remorse at our feet.
We are not advocating that anyone live in a dream state or fantasy world all of the time – but imagining how you would have liked to handle the abusive experiences had you been grown, strong, and able to defend yourself can be a wonderful way to soothe yourself and build your strength. This particular exercise is a mighty enemy of shame. Make your fantasies as realistic or detailed as you like. If circumstances ever present you with an opportunity to confront, you already will have thought through what you need to say, at least on some level.
If there is more than one victim in your family, take the time to understand each person’s unique needs and expectations regarding confrontations, if possible. Try to balance
everyone’s need to be heard and everyone’s need to feel safe. If everyone will go with you to the session, get some professional help sorting it all out. Sometimes proceeding as a group is incredibly effective, but everyone has to feel safe and validated in the process.
Above all, we want you to know that you should listen to all of the advice you can get, gather all of the information you can assimilate, but in the end the decision to confront and how to confront is yours. Within the bounds of your own safety and comfort level, take your time
making your decision. Do not let anyone shame you or bully you into taking action with which you do not feel comfortable. Think through every potential consequence you can imagine before you decide on an action – you are the one who knows all of the facts in your case – you alone. But do not act alone! Use all of your resources. You are an intelligent and courageous survivor who has made it this far on your hope, your wits, and your instinct. Use all of those attributes as you decide whom to confront - and when and how to
confront them - and, above all, trust yourself.
If you have a comfortable relationship with anyone who understands the criminal justice system, especially a member of law enforcement, you might find her or his advice helpful.
Remember, don’t be a Lone Ranger and do not be spontaneous. Make sure that whatever you do, you do it with a plan and the appropriate support.
If you decide to prosecute or bring a civil proceeding, please research the entire process thoroughly. Get some coaching on how these cases are structured and organized, and talk to people who have been through a similar proceeding. Many social services agencies have a list of court advocates who can help you, and the local domestic violence shelter might even have someone who will accompany you to court.
While you are healing and gathering courage, support, and resources as you decide if and how you will choose to confront your perpetrator or others who were part of the incest trance, know that there is power in fantasy. You can confront anyone you would like, at any time, in your imagination. You can write letters, tell off a pillow in a chair, or make voice recordings - anything you would like. This sort of fantasy work is powerful and healing.
Everyone in our family has dreams in which we confront various people involved with the abuse. Sometimes the dreams are frightening, and we tell ourselves that this is our mind’s gift to us - we can process really frightening stuff in our sleep, and be made aware of where the damage still lies within us. Sometimes the dreams are empowering, and those dreams are the greatest gift from ourselves that we could ask for – the dreams in which we fight for ourselves, and win. We even can dream that we get apologies and requests for forgiveness, and that the perpetrator finally cries tears of remorse at our feet.
We are not advocating that anyone live in a dream state or fantasy world all of the time – but imagining how you would have liked to handle the abusive experiences had you been grown, strong, and able to defend yourself can be a wonderful way to soothe yourself and build your strength. This particular exercise is a mighty enemy of shame. Make your fantasies as realistic or detailed as you like. If circumstances ever present you with an opportunity to confront, you already will have thought through what you need to say, at least on some level.
If there is more than one victim in your family, take the time to understand each person’s unique needs and expectations regarding confrontations, if possible. Try to balance
everyone’s need to be heard and everyone’s need to feel safe. If everyone will go with you to the session, get some professional help sorting it all out. Sometimes proceeding as a group is incredibly effective, but everyone has to feel safe and validated in the process.
Above all, we want you to know that you should listen to all of the advice you can get, gather all of the information you can assimilate, but in the end the decision to confront and how to confront is yours. Within the bounds of your own safety and comfort level, take your time
making your decision. Do not let anyone shame you or bully you into taking action with which you do not feel comfortable. Think through every potential consequence you can imagine before you decide on an action – you are the one who knows all of the facts in your case – you alone. But do not act alone! Use all of your resources. You are an intelligent and courageous survivor who has made it this far on your hope, your wits, and your instinct. Use all of those attributes as you decide whom to confront - and when and how to
confront them - and, above all, trust yourself.
For Neighbors, Friends, and Family
Be there. Show up. Listen. Reflect. Support. Offer. Try not to push your own agenda based upon what you think your survivor “should” do.
If you are a family member who had something to do with the trance of incest in your family, realize that you might be confronted by us at some point, or even, perhaps, multiple times. If you truly are ready to be on the team, you will be able to handle this confrontation. This is a necessary step toward a new relationship and a new freedom between us. As it is with many forms of therapy, this might be a painful episode, but it can bring great healing as its reward. Open yourself up with humility to hearing truly what we are trying to tell you, and it will have the potential to change your life and show you a pathway out of the swamp of despair.
If you are beginning to understand how your own previous ignorance or denial contributed to the trance of incest in your own situation, consider bringing it up yourself with us – initiate the confrontation. If your first effort to open up a confrontation on the ways you were responsible for the trance of incest meets with resistance, back off immediately and offer
to talk about it later, when we feel ready. We might greet your confrontation with hostility or compassion, with apathy or great zeal. Either way, taking the initiative with us can give you a wealth of information and help us both to define what further actions can be taken toward healing.
Be humble and sincere – don’t just fish for absolution.
Do not defend yourself. Reasons are not excuses.
If we are open to hearing your interpretation of the reasons, then by all means share them, but include a statement acknowledging that the reasons do not constitute excuses and that you are not trying to defend yourself. Let us know that you believe there is a stronger and more authentic relationship possible between us after this phase is accomplished. Then let some time go by, if you can – percolation time is essential for everyone involved.
During a time of active confrontation and “hashing” the relationship dynamics and misguided perceptions that might have helped create the trance of incest, it is imperative that you have your own support system – a trained therapist or a very grounded and well-informed close
friend – to help you discharge your own feelings about the confrontation. Your own support system can help you interpret and integrate the experience into your own healing work, and can remind you that the healing process is meant to be about love, compassion, and
forgiveness. Pick a support person for yourself who can take the long view and help you keep your perspective during the hurtful moments.
While we should try never to saddle survivors with our own myriad, negative feelings about the incest such as remorse, guilt, grief, or anger, it is important to be able to withstand being
in proximity to these same feelings on the part of the survivor, and for us to know that you feel these things, too. As difficult as these confrontational conversations might be, they are
essential as part of moving past a superficial treatment of the fact of the incest and showing a commitment to true healing. We have not met one survivor who does not long for a humble statement of accountability and a sincere apology for their loved one’s part in creating the trance of incest. We have found that survivors are forgiving when the remorse is sincere. We have found that all of us are lifted up and comforted as a result of exchanges such as these.
What are you waiting for?
If you are a family member who had something to do with the trance of incest in your family, realize that you might be confronted by us at some point, or even, perhaps, multiple times. If you truly are ready to be on the team, you will be able to handle this confrontation. This is a necessary step toward a new relationship and a new freedom between us. As it is with many forms of therapy, this might be a painful episode, but it can bring great healing as its reward. Open yourself up with humility to hearing truly what we are trying to tell you, and it will have the potential to change your life and show you a pathway out of the swamp of despair.
If you are beginning to understand how your own previous ignorance or denial contributed to the trance of incest in your own situation, consider bringing it up yourself with us – initiate the confrontation. If your first effort to open up a confrontation on the ways you were responsible for the trance of incest meets with resistance, back off immediately and offer
to talk about it later, when we feel ready. We might greet your confrontation with hostility or compassion, with apathy or great zeal. Either way, taking the initiative with us can give you a wealth of information and help us both to define what further actions can be taken toward healing.
Be humble and sincere – don’t just fish for absolution.
Do not defend yourself. Reasons are not excuses.
If we are open to hearing your interpretation of the reasons, then by all means share them, but include a statement acknowledging that the reasons do not constitute excuses and that you are not trying to defend yourself. Let us know that you believe there is a stronger and more authentic relationship possible between us after this phase is accomplished. Then let some time go by, if you can – percolation time is essential for everyone involved.
During a time of active confrontation and “hashing” the relationship dynamics and misguided perceptions that might have helped create the trance of incest, it is imperative that you have your own support system – a trained therapist or a very grounded and well-informed close
friend – to help you discharge your own feelings about the confrontation. Your own support system can help you interpret and integrate the experience into your own healing work, and can remind you that the healing process is meant to be about love, compassion, and
forgiveness. Pick a support person for yourself who can take the long view and help you keep your perspective during the hurtful moments.
While we should try never to saddle survivors with our own myriad, negative feelings about the incest such as remorse, guilt, grief, or anger, it is important to be able to withstand being
in proximity to these same feelings on the part of the survivor, and for us to know that you feel these things, too. As difficult as these confrontational conversations might be, they are
essential as part of moving past a superficial treatment of the fact of the incest and showing a commitment to true healing. We have not met one survivor who does not long for a humble statement of accountability and a sincere apology for their loved one’s part in creating the trance of incest. We have found that survivors are forgiving when the remorse is sincere. We have found that all of us are lifted up and comforted as a result of exchanges such as these.
What are you waiting for?