The concept of unconditional love with accountability
is a near-perfect way to run a family, in our opinion. When children are tiny and unable to be responsible for their actions, the adults in charge of their care must be accountable for how the children are treated within the family. All of their human rights must be safeguarded by the adults, who must teach the children about the sovereignty of their precious selves. This principle should be demonstrated by adults by treating everyone with whom they interact with respect, so the children will learn always to respect the rights of other people, and to insist upon the same for themselves. The children also should observe those who do not respect the human rights of others receive appropriate justice, with compassion, for their failure to do so. As soon as the young ones can understand that they are accountable for their choices and their actions, they should be held gently accountable for them. They should also be taught that, while people might not always be able to choose the circumstances of their lives, they always are able to choose how they react to those circumstances. Our “old” family did not honor this philosophy - our “new” family
does.
A family system based upon preserving human rights for all, unconditional love, and accountability is a utopian model, as I have just described it. No family can come close, but that does not mean we should not strive for such a system. Incestuous families are, by definition, nowhere near shouting distance of these ideals. Yet, as we disclose incest to our family members, and as we express the anger and grief we feel about the denial of our
human rights within our own family, we challenge all members of the family to step outside the trance of incest and to defy family rules that might go back for generations. Those brave
enough to hear the truth of our words will join us outside the trance, and we will deepen our connection with them in beautiful ways as we share our truth, our pain, and our hope. However, not everyone will be able to do it, and we must be prepared to grieve yet another loss as we prepare to release those who cannot join us outside the trance.
If the foregoing sounds like a lonely road, please remember that accountability is the hallmark of maturity, and not everyone is capable of reaching that marker. What seems like a lonely road now will unfold before us, bringing deep and true connections with people that we never dreamed could be possible, if only we have the courage to begin the walk. When we take responsibility for our sovereign selves, decisions, thoughts, and actions, we create an environment where we will be able to become more authentic human beings, and to find our real work. Each of us has something precious to contribute - our most important job while we are alive is to figure out what that contribution is meant to be, and to go about giving it sincerely with our whole selves, if we can.
When we choose that path, we draw to us the people who want to do the same work that we have chosen – people who will not be afraid to know us – and we will find our family of the heart, our family of choice. This work is the real work of healing, for when we find our authentic path we turn our footsteps toward wholeness, and transcend forever the wounds that first caused us to seek the path. Others will be there with us – including some of the people from our family of birth - either showing
the way or being inspired by us.
does.
A family system based upon preserving human rights for all, unconditional love, and accountability is a utopian model, as I have just described it. No family can come close, but that does not mean we should not strive for such a system. Incestuous families are, by definition, nowhere near shouting distance of these ideals. Yet, as we disclose incest to our family members, and as we express the anger and grief we feel about the denial of our
human rights within our own family, we challenge all members of the family to step outside the trance of incest and to defy family rules that might go back for generations. Those brave
enough to hear the truth of our words will join us outside the trance, and we will deepen our connection with them in beautiful ways as we share our truth, our pain, and our hope. However, not everyone will be able to do it, and we must be prepared to grieve yet another loss as we prepare to release those who cannot join us outside the trance.
If the foregoing sounds like a lonely road, please remember that accountability is the hallmark of maturity, and not everyone is capable of reaching that marker. What seems like a lonely road now will unfold before us, bringing deep and true connections with people that we never dreamed could be possible, if only we have the courage to begin the walk. When we take responsibility for our sovereign selves, decisions, thoughts, and actions, we create an environment where we will be able to become more authentic human beings, and to find our real work. Each of us has something precious to contribute - our most important job while we are alive is to figure out what that contribution is meant to be, and to go about giving it sincerely with our whole selves, if we can.
When we choose that path, we draw to us the people who want to do the same work that we have chosen – people who will not be afraid to know us – and we will find our family of the heart, our family of choice. This work is the real work of healing, for when we find our authentic path we turn our footsteps toward wholeness, and transcend forever the wounds that first caused us to seek the path. Others will be there with us – including some of the people from our family of birth - either showing
the way or being inspired by us.
The main things we want everyone to know about a survivor’s right to a loving, supportive family:
· Families create their own unique, complicated cultures that are expressed in elaborate systems of unwritten rules covering the “proper way” to handle just about every aspect of
life.
· When we are small, these rules systems govern the way we are raised and how we are treated - thus teaching us how to treat others, including ourselves.
· The process of disclosing the incest, and of expressing our grief and anger, will identify which of our family members is willing to step out of the trance of incest to be supportive, loving, and helpful to us as we search for a healing path.
· Some of our family members will be held captive by their inability to step outside of the rules that created the trance, and we will have to choose if we should try to educate these members or release them.
· In the end, we choose our real family by making choices about who it is we want to be, as we strive to become our authentic selves and find our real work.
life.
· When we are small, these rules systems govern the way we are raised and how we are treated - thus teaching us how to treat others, including ourselves.
· The process of disclosing the incest, and of expressing our grief and anger, will identify which of our family members is willing to step out of the trance of incest to be supportive, loving, and helpful to us as we search for a healing path.
· Some of our family members will be held captive by their inability to step outside of the rules that created the trance, and we will have to choose if we should try to educate these members or release them.
· In the end, we choose our real family by making choices about who it is we want to be, as we strive to become our authentic selves and find our real work.
For Family, Friends, and Neighbors:
If you are a family member of a survivor, we hope you take these words to heart, not because your survivor needs your help - your survivor is a strong person who got this far despite terrible odds, and, if you are not able to be an appropriate support person, your survivor can find someone else who will be. We recommend that you seriously consider our words because the trance of incest has left its mark on you also, whether or not you acknowledge it, and by supporting your survivor and being open to new ideas about what survivors truly need to recover, you will help yourself.
Be accountable to yourself.
Be accountable to your survivor.
Learn everything you can, be humble, and be present.
That does not mean you have to take abuse from the survivor or feel guilty forever. No one is served when all of us grovel and snivel on the ground before one another.
Here is a partial list of things you can do to help us as we or she seek to form our own family of choice (and to give yourself better odds of being chosen for a place in our Christmas card portrait):
· Listen – really, really, listen. Listen for understanding. Ask questions to clarify and aid understanding, but beware of “badgering the witness.”
· Affirm our reality. Validate our pain. Extol our courage and our strength. Cry with us. Express your sorrow and regret.
· Give us permission to feel however we feel. Do not argue with us about history – our history as we interpret it, is our reality. If you have factual information that rebuts what we believe to be the truth, ask our permission to share it with us when you feel the time
is right and we are open to hearing it. Learn the fine art of “hashing,” but use it with tact and
sensitivity.
· Tell the truth without being defensive, making excuses, or re-writing history. Give your
own perspective, explain yourself by all means, but be careful to say that you are not defending the perpetrator or yourself, but trying to share reasons for your behavior that might help inform us. Many survivors have gaps in their memory or knowledge of events, and we are hungry to fit all of the pieces into the puzzle. Again, use your intuition and be sensitive about picking the right time to offer your insights – some of us do not want a flood of information.
· Do your own healing work. Grieve your own grief - do not hang on us as you do this work, but do not hide the fact that the situation is painful for you.
· Help us grieve for the family members who are not going to “make the cut” into the new family. We need time to let go of the fantasy of having the loving, supportive family of origin we longed for so fiercely. Keep reminding us that we never will be alone.
· If other family members are choosing up sides and attacking our story, or accusing us of ruining the family, you need to decide immediately whose side you are on, because if that is happening, you most probably will end up on one side or the other, with your relationships on the “other side” ruined forever under the scorched earth policy. Don’t be wishy-washy, hanging out in No-Man’s Land trying to make peace between the sides – you just will end up alienating everyone yourself. Choose a side. Now. If you choose for us (and we hope you do), let us see and hear you fighting for us, and break ties to the “toxic others” along with us, if it becomes necessary. Life is not fair, and this just is one of those times. If it all has to fall apart, at least land on the right side, please.
· Know the Incest Survivor’s Bill of Rights and try to live by them yourself. Be our champion for every one of those rights, even if we are making choices you would not necessarily make for yourself. Of course, if we are making dangerous or self-destructive choices, intervene as much as you can without entering the murky waters of codependency. If we are involved in
dangerous or illegal activities, you might have to detach from us – love us, but keep your own boundaries intact!
Be accountable to yourself.
Be accountable to your survivor.
Learn everything you can, be humble, and be present.
That does not mean you have to take abuse from the survivor or feel guilty forever. No one is served when all of us grovel and snivel on the ground before one another.
Here is a partial list of things you can do to help us as we or she seek to form our own family of choice (and to give yourself better odds of being chosen for a place in our Christmas card portrait):
· Listen – really, really, listen. Listen for understanding. Ask questions to clarify and aid understanding, but beware of “badgering the witness.”
· Affirm our reality. Validate our pain. Extol our courage and our strength. Cry with us. Express your sorrow and regret.
· Give us permission to feel however we feel. Do not argue with us about history – our history as we interpret it, is our reality. If you have factual information that rebuts what we believe to be the truth, ask our permission to share it with us when you feel the time
is right and we are open to hearing it. Learn the fine art of “hashing,” but use it with tact and
sensitivity.
· Tell the truth without being defensive, making excuses, or re-writing history. Give your
own perspective, explain yourself by all means, but be careful to say that you are not defending the perpetrator or yourself, but trying to share reasons for your behavior that might help inform us. Many survivors have gaps in their memory or knowledge of events, and we are hungry to fit all of the pieces into the puzzle. Again, use your intuition and be sensitive about picking the right time to offer your insights – some of us do not want a flood of information.
· Do your own healing work. Grieve your own grief - do not hang on us as you do this work, but do not hide the fact that the situation is painful for you.
· Help us grieve for the family members who are not going to “make the cut” into the new family. We need time to let go of the fantasy of having the loving, supportive family of origin we longed for so fiercely. Keep reminding us that we never will be alone.
· If other family members are choosing up sides and attacking our story, or accusing us of ruining the family, you need to decide immediately whose side you are on, because if that is happening, you most probably will end up on one side or the other, with your relationships on the “other side” ruined forever under the scorched earth policy. Don’t be wishy-washy, hanging out in No-Man’s Land trying to make peace between the sides – you just will end up alienating everyone yourself. Choose a side. Now. If you choose for us (and we hope you do), let us see and hear you fighting for us, and break ties to the “toxic others” along with us, if it becomes necessary. Life is not fair, and this just is one of those times. If it all has to fall apart, at least land on the right side, please.
· Know the Incest Survivor’s Bill of Rights and try to live by them yourself. Be our champion for every one of those rights, even if we are making choices you would not necessarily make for yourself. Of course, if we are making dangerous or self-destructive choices, intervene as much as you can without entering the murky waters of codependency. If we are involved in
dangerous or illegal activities, you might have to detach from us – love us, but keep your own boundaries intact!
Along the way
As you walk your healing path, know that every survivor is a member of your family, if you choose them to be. Together, we are mighty - after all, there are so damn many of us! We all need to be loved unconditionally, and we all need to hold ourselves and each other accountable for safeguarding our own human rights, as well as those of others who are not
abusing them.
It is far from perfect, this new family of ours. I have fallen short of expectations as a mother so often that my faults haunt me almost daily. We have many mountains to climb to regain the potential we lost when their lives were shattered. Ironically, that which has not destroyed us has made us stronger – we are not there yet, but we can see it from here. As we turn toward one another for healing instead of away from each other, we forge bonds that never will be broken. The family that we have chosen to keep is a rock-solid family that grows closer to functionality and health every time we lovingly hold one another accountable to the standard of expressing our highest selves. We are not perfect, we will continue to need healing, but our lives are our own.
We are unshattered.
If that sounds good to you, we would like you to know that we welcome you onto this path with us. The sexual abuse that you survived is something that happened to you - it
is not who you are. You can reclaim the rights that you were denied, change your life, and find your path to healing. Use this Bill of Rights as food for thought – see if it makes sense for you, and let us know what you think. We give to you all of our strength, all of our fear, and all of our hope. In Recognition of Incest Survivors would like to hear your voice. Talk to us.
We are listening.
We love you.
abusing them.
It is far from perfect, this new family of ours. I have fallen short of expectations as a mother so often that my faults haunt me almost daily. We have many mountains to climb to regain the potential we lost when their lives were shattered. Ironically, that which has not destroyed us has made us stronger – we are not there yet, but we can see it from here. As we turn toward one another for healing instead of away from each other, we forge bonds that never will be broken. The family that we have chosen to keep is a rock-solid family that grows closer to functionality and health every time we lovingly hold one another accountable to the standard of expressing our highest selves. We are not perfect, we will continue to need healing, but our lives are our own.
We are unshattered.
If that sounds good to you, we would like you to know that we welcome you onto this path with us. The sexual abuse that you survived is something that happened to you - it
is not who you are. You can reclaim the rights that you were denied, change your life, and find your path to healing. Use this Bill of Rights as food for thought – see if it makes sense for you, and let us know what you think. We give to you all of our strength, all of our fear, and all of our hope. In Recognition of Incest Survivors would like to hear your voice. Talk to us.
We are listening.
We love you.
