UnShattered: A Bill of Rights for Incest Survivors
and their Families
We are survivors who have lived through the hell of disclosure and into the hope of recovery. Over time, as my daughters and I talked and shared, and the initial sharpness of the grieving dulled a bit, we began to notice that certain themes were asserting themselves in our conversations. We came to understand that each of us had gaps in our fundamental understanding of our human rights on a very personal level. This revelation was a landmark event, because incest survivors tend to be very unsure of our perceptions - we have been taught to mistrust or disregard our interpretation of our own experiences in order to keep the secret. Incest survivors are trained by the predator to take care of others’ needs and ignore their own, even to the point of letting serious medical problems go untreated, because to tell the non-offending parent about their pain would disclose the incest.
We began to explore the family dynamics that had caused the sense of isolation we all had felt. We noticed that when we spoke about the incest and recovery, we often were unsure of how we “should” be feeling. We discovered that many gaps existed within each of us about knowing what “normal” people should think and feel. I found myself saying over and over, “But you have a right to . . .”
Over time, the idea of a list of Rights began to grow, and we began talking about such a list in the context of two realities: the current relational, political and social barriers against true support for incest survivors, and the need for real punishment of the perpetrators. The list of Rights developed organically as we learned to remind ourselves about those human rights that most children, in healthier families, learn from their parents instinctively. People who have had their most basic sense of trust violated, and who have been deliberately kept from learning how to be emotionally autonomous by having their boundaries systematically obliterated over time, need a cheat sheet!
Over time we refined the list of Rights, and we think it rather tidy that we ultimately ended up with ten of them. Click on the drop-down menu on this tab or on the highlighted words below to explore each of these Rights in depth. We have included on the website only the "prescriptive" section of our more extensive writings on each subject.
Perhaps there are more Rights, and we might discover variations on each Right. You might discover some of your own that more accurately fit your personal circumstances. We offer this work as a starting draft for you – we are making this up as we go along, and you can, too – in fact, that’s the point. Be kind to yourself as you read, go slow, and let us know what you think - we all are in this together!
We began to explore the family dynamics that had caused the sense of isolation we all had felt. We noticed that when we spoke about the incest and recovery, we often were unsure of how we “should” be feeling. We discovered that many gaps existed within each of us about knowing what “normal” people should think and feel. I found myself saying over and over, “But you have a right to . . .”
Over time, the idea of a list of Rights began to grow, and we began talking about such a list in the context of two realities: the current relational, political and social barriers against true support for incest survivors, and the need for real punishment of the perpetrators. The list of Rights developed organically as we learned to remind ourselves about those human rights that most children, in healthier families, learn from their parents instinctively. People who have had their most basic sense of trust violated, and who have been deliberately kept from learning how to be emotionally autonomous by having their boundaries systematically obliterated over time, need a cheat sheet!
Over time we refined the list of Rights, and we think it rather tidy that we ultimately ended up with ten of them. Click on the drop-down menu on this tab or on the highlighted words below to explore each of these Rights in depth. We have included on the website only the "prescriptive" section of our more extensive writings on each subject.
Perhaps there are more Rights, and we might discover variations on each Right. You might discover some of your own that more accurately fit your personal circumstances. We offer this work as a starting draft for you – we are making this up as we go along, and you can, too – in fact, that’s the point. Be kind to yourself as you read, go slow, and let us know what you think - we all are in this together!
The Incest Survivor's Bill of Rights:
One: we have the right to be safe.
Two: we have the right to be heard.
Three: we have the right to be believed.
Four: we have the right to be angry.
Five: we have the right to grieve.
Six: we have the right to heal.
Seven: we have the right to set appropriate boundaries.
Eight: we have the right to choose if or how to confront the perpetrator.
Nine: we have the right to a joyful, fulfilling sex life with someone we trust.
Ten: we have the right to a loving, supportive family.
copyright 2012 Another Mother
