My despair tells me that everything I once thought was true about my life is false. My despair tells me that I am a sham, a fraud. My despair tells me that I am unworthy of forgiveness. This phone call, another in the long series that follows the disclosure, is one more brick in the wall toward my understanding that, in order to go on, I must completely revisit what I thought was my life - what I thought were my memories. They must all be re-examined through this new lens. I do not know if I will survive it. My child hangs in there with me, which is either a testament to her miraculous ability to love me or to her own desperate hope that I will somehow get sturdy enough through this painful process to be of some real help to her.
Awash in self-pity, I pour my sadness and remorse into the receiver. How can she ever forgive me? How can I ever be her mother again? What on earth can I
possibly have to say to her about life, about integrity and honor, in light of my shortcomings as a parent, which will not ring hollow?
“Mom.” Her voice comes quietly over waves of space. “Mom. You did the only thing that could have saved me.”
I reach for this piece of driftwood and hang on tight. “What was that?” I ask.
She replies, “You believed me.”
The main things we want everyone to know about a
survivor’s right to be believed:
· Disclosing incest is one of the most stressful times in a survivor’s life – this frightening and courageous step is never done lightly.
· Immediate emotional support is necessary, including immediate affirmation that the person disclosing incest is credible and believable.
· Children invent false incest accusations only very rarely.
· Adult survivors risk everything to come out to their families.
· Families can split apart as a result of incest disclosure, past or current – a strong support system either should be in place before disclosure or put together immediately after disclosure.
· When your child discloses incest to you, you are receiving the gift of a second chance to be a parent to your child. Embrace the child and the pain. You will survive the experience.
· Ongoing incest is a crime in progress – report it immediately to law enforcement officials.
· Immediate emotional support is necessary, including immediate affirmation that the person disclosing incest is credible and believable.
· Children invent false incest accusations only very rarely.
· Adult survivors risk everything to come out to their families.
· Families can split apart as a result of incest disclosure, past or current – a strong support system either should be in place before disclosure or put together immediately after disclosure.
· When your child discloses incest to you, you are receiving the gift of a second chance to be a parent to your child. Embrace the child and the pain. You will survive the experience.
· Ongoing incest is a crime in progress – report it immediately to law enforcement officials.
For Family, Friends, and Neighbors
Why Don't We Believe?
Let’s get something straight first thing: kids do not make up this stuff. Children who are being abused and adults who have been abused as children are telling the truth at least 98 percent of the time. The two percent who are making it up probably suffer from some psychopathology that will show up in other areas of their lives. When one considers the many negative ramifications that survivors experience when they identify themselves, one must wonder why any sane person would put him or herself through the pain of disclosure, if he or she were making up a story,
Another popular myth about survivors is that a vindictive, punishing parent is somehow coaching a child to report untrue stories about abuse. The “alienation of affection” offense in custody battles often is effective in the man-made world of family courts. Many attorneys successfully convince judges that some mothers “plant” stories about incest in the minds of their impressionable, young children as a tactic to win full custody. However, any attempt
to “plant” memories can easily be revealed during skillful questioning of the child, who will only show sexual knowledge commensurate with the information planted, rather than the comprehensive knowledge of sexuality far beyond his or her expected level of development that is usually exhibited by abused children. Young children who have not been abused
do not have the knowledge to fabricate a story about explicit sexual activity. We must also appreciate how bold and disturbed a mother must be in order to inflict torture on the mind
of her child by training her to recite false memories of abuse – we think such an abusive mother is rare.
Anecdotal evidence suggests that the judicial trend is turning away from family court judges who are fooled by the “planted memory” defense. This particular mythic defense persists in popular culture, however, because it is easier to believe that a child has been brainwashed than to tackle the incest conundrum. The persistence of the trend also indicates how much more work needs to be done to increase the credibility of women’s and children’s voices in the arena of human rights.
Often, community members will not believe the disclosure of a victim because the perpetrator does not fit the stereotypical, mostly mythical, “profile” of an offender. The uninformed public tends to think of an incest perpetrator as the stereotypical predator-pedophile: a lust-crazed Boo Radley type that lurks around playgrounds as an outcast - a
socially ill-adapted loser. People think of incest perpetrators as mostly lower-class and ignorant, somehow on the fringe of society.
Nothing could be further from the truth. Many times the predator is someone who is a “pillar of the community.” The incest perpetrator often relies on a cover of charm, charisma, and fatherly solicitude to cover up his crime – his identity comes as a shock to his community when it is revealed.
The truth is that abusers are as widely varied in description as the children they abuse, and they do not fit any particular stereotype. They can be community and church leaders, who use their high-profile status as a protective cloak (Assistant Coach Jerry Sandusky of Penn State fame comes to mind). Available statistical data do not indicate a median educational level, income level, or even substance-use habits of incest perpetrators.
Incest as a one-time event or misinterpretation of paternal affection is also a widespread myth, and one that mystifies us. A one-time, violent rape of a child certainly bodes life-long trauma for the child, and too often, these events result in a contrite father still in the home
and in a position of authority over the child. This is a terrible scenario. Most incest, however, is the culmination of a campaign of patient “grooming,” which is the name for the
pattern of manipulation, intimidation, and brainwashing that is waged over a long period of time against innocent members of the incestuous family in an attempt to keep the incest undisclosed while gaining compliance from the child victim. The incest perpetrator builds trust with his victim over a long period of time, creating one of the deepest and most insidious betrayals of paternal love. A child rarely would mistake a thorough and prolonged period of grooming for appropriate affection, and a father who invests such time and effort is
highly unlikely to be satisfied with only one sexual encounter, especially when a child in his own household is so conveniently accessible.
Children might be sexual creatures as pedophiles often claim, but their world is one of feeling and sensory exploration – their “job” is to explore their bodies and their environment, and make sense of it all. Imagine how bewildering it must be to have your natural inclination to explore the world subverted by an unethical adult’s agenda. Our bodies are biologically wired to enjoy sexual stimulation from a young age, and pedophiles have long used this biological fact against their victims. Our sensory development is far ahead of our emotional and physical development for sexual activity, which is why statutory rape laws are necessary. An adult’s responsibility is to maintain appropriate boundaries and teach
the child to distinguish between her natural inclination to feel sexual stimulation and her need to gain adult approval. Using a child’s natural sexual development as a rationalization of the crime of incest is a heartbreaking victimization and an abject failure to acknowledge the vulnerability of the developing child.
All of these subterfuges and rationalizations (and there surely are more not mentioned here) serve to “explain away” something that is almost unbearable to see.
Once again the abused child is abandoned, this time by a community who cannot begin to envision a solution to this overwhelming and unthinkable problem. It is so much easier just
to tell ourselves a soothing story so we do not have to take action. This pall of denial must be torn away – and the first step is simply to believe the wounded families who are trying to be seen, trying to be heard, trying to heal.
Another popular myth about survivors is that a vindictive, punishing parent is somehow coaching a child to report untrue stories about abuse. The “alienation of affection” offense in custody battles often is effective in the man-made world of family courts. Many attorneys successfully convince judges that some mothers “plant” stories about incest in the minds of their impressionable, young children as a tactic to win full custody. However, any attempt
to “plant” memories can easily be revealed during skillful questioning of the child, who will only show sexual knowledge commensurate with the information planted, rather than the comprehensive knowledge of sexuality far beyond his or her expected level of development that is usually exhibited by abused children. Young children who have not been abused
do not have the knowledge to fabricate a story about explicit sexual activity. We must also appreciate how bold and disturbed a mother must be in order to inflict torture on the mind
of her child by training her to recite false memories of abuse – we think such an abusive mother is rare.
Anecdotal evidence suggests that the judicial trend is turning away from family court judges who are fooled by the “planted memory” defense. This particular mythic defense persists in popular culture, however, because it is easier to believe that a child has been brainwashed than to tackle the incest conundrum. The persistence of the trend also indicates how much more work needs to be done to increase the credibility of women’s and children’s voices in the arena of human rights.
Often, community members will not believe the disclosure of a victim because the perpetrator does not fit the stereotypical, mostly mythical, “profile” of an offender. The uninformed public tends to think of an incest perpetrator as the stereotypical predator-pedophile: a lust-crazed Boo Radley type that lurks around playgrounds as an outcast - a
socially ill-adapted loser. People think of incest perpetrators as mostly lower-class and ignorant, somehow on the fringe of society.
Nothing could be further from the truth. Many times the predator is someone who is a “pillar of the community.” The incest perpetrator often relies on a cover of charm, charisma, and fatherly solicitude to cover up his crime – his identity comes as a shock to his community when it is revealed.
The truth is that abusers are as widely varied in description as the children they abuse, and they do not fit any particular stereotype. They can be community and church leaders, who use their high-profile status as a protective cloak (Assistant Coach Jerry Sandusky of Penn State fame comes to mind). Available statistical data do not indicate a median educational level, income level, or even substance-use habits of incest perpetrators.
Incest as a one-time event or misinterpretation of paternal affection is also a widespread myth, and one that mystifies us. A one-time, violent rape of a child certainly bodes life-long trauma for the child, and too often, these events result in a contrite father still in the home
and in a position of authority over the child. This is a terrible scenario. Most incest, however, is the culmination of a campaign of patient “grooming,” which is the name for the
pattern of manipulation, intimidation, and brainwashing that is waged over a long period of time against innocent members of the incestuous family in an attempt to keep the incest undisclosed while gaining compliance from the child victim. The incest perpetrator builds trust with his victim over a long period of time, creating one of the deepest and most insidious betrayals of paternal love. A child rarely would mistake a thorough and prolonged period of grooming for appropriate affection, and a father who invests such time and effort is
highly unlikely to be satisfied with only one sexual encounter, especially when a child in his own household is so conveniently accessible.
Children might be sexual creatures as pedophiles often claim, but their world is one of feeling and sensory exploration – their “job” is to explore their bodies and their environment, and make sense of it all. Imagine how bewildering it must be to have your natural inclination to explore the world subverted by an unethical adult’s agenda. Our bodies are biologically wired to enjoy sexual stimulation from a young age, and pedophiles have long used this biological fact against their victims. Our sensory development is far ahead of our emotional and physical development for sexual activity, which is why statutory rape laws are necessary. An adult’s responsibility is to maintain appropriate boundaries and teach
the child to distinguish between her natural inclination to feel sexual stimulation and her need to gain adult approval. Using a child’s natural sexual development as a rationalization of the crime of incest is a heartbreaking victimization and an abject failure to acknowledge the vulnerability of the developing child.
All of these subterfuges and rationalizations (and there surely are more not mentioned here) serve to “explain away” something that is almost unbearable to see.
Once again the abused child is abandoned, this time by a community who cannot begin to envision a solution to this overwhelming and unthinkable problem. It is so much easier just
to tell ourselves a soothing story so we do not have to take action. This pall of denial must be torn away – and the first step is simply to believe the wounded families who are trying to be seen, trying to be heard, trying to heal.
So, Now What?
If you are a non-offending parent who loves your survivor child, the disclosure of the incest shattered you and broke your heart. You have a story of your own to tell, and you also are a survivor of hurt and betrayal, if not outright abuse. At this point you might be wondering what is real about your life – you might find yourself re-checking every memory about our growing years in order to put them in the context of the incest. Your anger and grief might be profound – even bordering on despair.
If this has happened to you, or if you always knew about the incest but felt powerless in your situation to save us, you have much healing work to do. You need the same sort of support system that we survivors need, namely, a combination of professional and lay-person involvement where you can work through all of your myriad feelings so you can resolve them within yourself. During the emergency briefing before airplane takeoffs, the
flight attendants always admonish us to put on our own oxygen mask first, and then assist others. This is exactly the same principle for incest recovery – you simply must do your own backbreaking and heartbreaking work, if you want to help us recover from the many
wounds of incest. The first thing to overcome is any tendency of yours to burden us with your disbelief.
You see, we were taught by the perpetrator to deny our own reality. Admitting to ourselves that the incest happened was one of the most profound, terrifying, and traumatic moments of our lives. It was the ultimate act of betrayal of the perpetrator, who might have been someone of whom we were terrified, or might have been someone we loved deeply - or both. Imagine how much harder even than that it was to come to you with our pain. We are relying on you not to shatter our new-found reality, as heartbreaking as it might be to cope with it. We need your validation. We need for you to come out of the trance of incest and give us something to hold onto.
When we first disclosed incest to you, you might have had a number of intense emotional reactions: anger, incredulity, shock, fear, remorse – you might even have doubts about whether such a horrible story could be true. If you do have doubts, we beg of you, keep
them to yourself. Check out your doubts to the extent that you are able to do so without
involving us, if you must, but know that we desperately need to be believed, validated, and loved by you, right now. You are our primary hope for a platform on which to base a lasting and authentic recovery.
Unfortunately, many incestuous families are in the unenviable situation where the predator is still in the home, the marriage is intact, and the community will be amazed to hear that a
criminal lives next door. If your child is young and still in the home when the incest is discovered, you will need to move quickly. Set up a plan to remove her (and her siblings, if there are any) from the home to a safe and undisclosed place that very day. Lie to the predator if you have to. Then go to the authorities for help – do not confront your partner by
yourself. Get professional help for yourself and your children right away – your nuclear family unit is about to radically change and everyone will need support. For the immediate future it will be your responsibility to see that your young child’s right to control whether and how to confront the perpetrator is honored. Do not agree to anything more lenient with an un-jailed perpetrator than supervised visitation, for the interim.
If your abused child is already grown and out of the house, and stable enough to make the choice, you must not confront the perpetrator without his full knowledge and cooperation – to do so might set back his recovery or even endanger him. If you had a ticking bomb in your house, you would call the bomb squad and not attempt to detonate the bomb yourself –please believe that this is an equivalent situation. As difficult as it might be to bide your time and assist your survivor to construct an effective approach to confrontation of a perpetrator who still is your partner, you absolutely must. Your son or daughter has a right to control his or her confrontation with the abuser – do not disable their ability to exercise that right. Read Right Number Eight for more thoughts on this situation.
When we disclose incest to you, you probably will have about 60 seconds to decide your next step. If you simply cannot express validation and support to us immediately, the ask us for a little bit of time to wrap your brain around the new information - we should understand this request. Use the time to seek emergency counseling, and be quick about it – we have just taken the greatest risk of our lives by telling you, and we are in agony. If you are reading this, you had suspicions somewhere inside yourself that incest is part of your family life – this is the time to acknowledge them. Such recognition is painful, but your responsibility to us is to help us heal despite your own pain. A benefit of helping us to heal is that you will facilitate your own healing.
If we disclose to you a much different perspective on our childhood than what you
believe we experienced, do your best to adopt our perspective. We are not lying – we are asking for you to stretch the limits of your love for us and put us before your marriage or your feelings about your partner. We really do have our own perspective, our own experience, and these views are legitimate. Whether you can understand where we are emotionally or not, fight for our right to own our own lives.
If someone, either a family member or a friend, discloses incest to you, emotional support and validation from you are in immediate demand. As surprised or even shocked as you might be, avoid making the moment about your own feelings. You do not need to interrogate the survivor, but please encourage him or her to share at a level with which he or she is comfortable. Ask if you can ask questions. Reflect the emotions of the teller.
Use phrases such as:
· “I am so sorry.”
· “You must have been so frightened.”
· “I am so sorry you went through all that alone – I wish I had been able to figure it out when
it was happening.”
Ask questions such as:
· “How can I help you, right now?”
· “What support system do you have, or would you like to have?”
· “Have you confronted the perpetrator, or considered how or if you would like to do
that?”
Swear your allegiance, offer your help, listen without judgment, and don’t ask questions that sound as if you are suspicious of the story. Offer your love, your pain, and your help. If you are a parent, this attitude will save your child and, possibly, your own life.
If you are part of the support system for a non-offending family member or close friend, make sure you are available as a sounding board and as a respite for the intensity of the disclosure process. Help the support person wrestle with the enormous task of coping with a completely new perspective on her life and her survivor’s life. Encourage your friend to believe his or her survivor. Show up. Bring coffee. Take your friend for a walk. Let her cry.
If ongoing incest is disclosed to you, do NOT promise to keep the information
confidential. Tell the person who discloses the crime to you that your responsibility toward an exploited child is worth more than your personal comfort or your relationship.
Tell her that you must report the situation to the police or local deputies.
If this has happened to you, or if you always knew about the incest but felt powerless in your situation to save us, you have much healing work to do. You need the same sort of support system that we survivors need, namely, a combination of professional and lay-person involvement where you can work through all of your myriad feelings so you can resolve them within yourself. During the emergency briefing before airplane takeoffs, the
flight attendants always admonish us to put on our own oxygen mask first, and then assist others. This is exactly the same principle for incest recovery – you simply must do your own backbreaking and heartbreaking work, if you want to help us recover from the many
wounds of incest. The first thing to overcome is any tendency of yours to burden us with your disbelief.
You see, we were taught by the perpetrator to deny our own reality. Admitting to ourselves that the incest happened was one of the most profound, terrifying, and traumatic moments of our lives. It was the ultimate act of betrayal of the perpetrator, who might have been someone of whom we were terrified, or might have been someone we loved deeply - or both. Imagine how much harder even than that it was to come to you with our pain. We are relying on you not to shatter our new-found reality, as heartbreaking as it might be to cope with it. We need your validation. We need for you to come out of the trance of incest and give us something to hold onto.
When we first disclosed incest to you, you might have had a number of intense emotional reactions: anger, incredulity, shock, fear, remorse – you might even have doubts about whether such a horrible story could be true. If you do have doubts, we beg of you, keep
them to yourself. Check out your doubts to the extent that you are able to do so without
involving us, if you must, but know that we desperately need to be believed, validated, and loved by you, right now. You are our primary hope for a platform on which to base a lasting and authentic recovery.
Unfortunately, many incestuous families are in the unenviable situation where the predator is still in the home, the marriage is intact, and the community will be amazed to hear that a
criminal lives next door. If your child is young and still in the home when the incest is discovered, you will need to move quickly. Set up a plan to remove her (and her siblings, if there are any) from the home to a safe and undisclosed place that very day. Lie to the predator if you have to. Then go to the authorities for help – do not confront your partner by
yourself. Get professional help for yourself and your children right away – your nuclear family unit is about to radically change and everyone will need support. For the immediate future it will be your responsibility to see that your young child’s right to control whether and how to confront the perpetrator is honored. Do not agree to anything more lenient with an un-jailed perpetrator than supervised visitation, for the interim.
If your abused child is already grown and out of the house, and stable enough to make the choice, you must not confront the perpetrator without his full knowledge and cooperation – to do so might set back his recovery or even endanger him. If you had a ticking bomb in your house, you would call the bomb squad and not attempt to detonate the bomb yourself –please believe that this is an equivalent situation. As difficult as it might be to bide your time and assist your survivor to construct an effective approach to confrontation of a perpetrator who still is your partner, you absolutely must. Your son or daughter has a right to control his or her confrontation with the abuser – do not disable their ability to exercise that right. Read Right Number Eight for more thoughts on this situation.
When we disclose incest to you, you probably will have about 60 seconds to decide your next step. If you simply cannot express validation and support to us immediately, the ask us for a little bit of time to wrap your brain around the new information - we should understand this request. Use the time to seek emergency counseling, and be quick about it – we have just taken the greatest risk of our lives by telling you, and we are in agony. If you are reading this, you had suspicions somewhere inside yourself that incest is part of your family life – this is the time to acknowledge them. Such recognition is painful, but your responsibility to us is to help us heal despite your own pain. A benefit of helping us to heal is that you will facilitate your own healing.
If we disclose to you a much different perspective on our childhood than what you
believe we experienced, do your best to adopt our perspective. We are not lying – we are asking for you to stretch the limits of your love for us and put us before your marriage or your feelings about your partner. We really do have our own perspective, our own experience, and these views are legitimate. Whether you can understand where we are emotionally or not, fight for our right to own our own lives.
If someone, either a family member or a friend, discloses incest to you, emotional support and validation from you are in immediate demand. As surprised or even shocked as you might be, avoid making the moment about your own feelings. You do not need to interrogate the survivor, but please encourage him or her to share at a level with which he or she is comfortable. Ask if you can ask questions. Reflect the emotions of the teller.
Use phrases such as:
· “I am so sorry.”
· “You must have been so frightened.”
· “I am so sorry you went through all that alone – I wish I had been able to figure it out when
it was happening.”
Ask questions such as:
· “How can I help you, right now?”
· “What support system do you have, or would you like to have?”
· “Have you confronted the perpetrator, or considered how or if you would like to do
that?”
Swear your allegiance, offer your help, listen without judgment, and don’t ask questions that sound as if you are suspicious of the story. Offer your love, your pain, and your help. If you are a parent, this attitude will save your child and, possibly, your own life.
If you are part of the support system for a non-offending family member or close friend, make sure you are available as a sounding board and as a respite for the intensity of the disclosure process. Help the support person wrestle with the enormous task of coping with a completely new perspective on her life and her survivor’s life. Encourage your friend to believe his or her survivor. Show up. Bring coffee. Take your friend for a walk. Let her cry.
If ongoing incest is disclosed to you, do NOT promise to keep the information
confidential. Tell the person who discloses the crime to you that your responsibility toward an exploited child is worth more than your personal comfort or your relationship.
Tell her that you must report the situation to the police or local deputies.
Ongoing incest is a crime report – not a recovery scenario. If you do not report incest that is disclosed to you as a current situation, you are, at the least, ethically guilty of abetting the crime.
