This Mother's Day, I am thinking about those heartbroken moms who feel the deep shame and sting of failing their children. Most moms keenly feel their shortcomings as mothers - and, being human, there always are many of those to count. But the mothers of incest survivors have a special burden to bear - the burden of hindsight. How we yearn to go back and see what we did not see, know what we could not know, stop what we had not the courage to confront. And if we did know that our children were being abused, the burden is even greater - the burden of guilt over all of the abuse that we could have stopped, but that continued because we were (fill in the blank): too frightened, broke, abused ourselves, ignorant and misinformed . . . a million reasons and no excuses. We have to live with them every day.
If we are fortunate beyond reason, our children are still in our lives today and we are recovering together. We accompany them as best we can in this new relationship, in our new way of relating to the truth of our lives. We see each other in new ways, and move forward as people who are doing the exciting work of becoming whole. If you are that fortunate mom whose kids are still in your life, please adopt as many others as you can. Help every survivor you can find to help, and thank your lucky stars that you get a chance to right some wrongs.
If we are less fortunate, we still mourn our children. Maybe they don't want any part of us - maybe they have been lost to the many ways that some abuse survivors express the childhood wounds in their adult lives. Maybe they just don't feel like extending forgiveness to us. Maybe they are still in the trance of the abuser. If your child is not currently in your life, may I make a suggestion? Find someone else to help. There is someone who needs you to accompany her on her recovery walk. This person will challenge you to be your best recovering self and will give you insights into what it means to survive such a wound.
This suggestion will not bring back your own child, but it will help you. It will help you a lot.
And if you are a survivor who is not in relationship with your mother, please find a loving, healthy someone who will mother you a bit - at least until you are ready to mother yourself. It's OK to have a family of choice, and not of birth. Someone needs you to need her.
With love and hope,
Another Mother
If we are fortunate beyond reason, our children are still in our lives today and we are recovering together. We accompany them as best we can in this new relationship, in our new way of relating to the truth of our lives. We see each other in new ways, and move forward as people who are doing the exciting work of becoming whole. If you are that fortunate mom whose kids are still in your life, please adopt as many others as you can. Help every survivor you can find to help, and thank your lucky stars that you get a chance to right some wrongs.
If we are less fortunate, we still mourn our children. Maybe they don't want any part of us - maybe they have been lost to the many ways that some abuse survivors express the childhood wounds in their adult lives. Maybe they just don't feel like extending forgiveness to us. Maybe they are still in the trance of the abuser. If your child is not currently in your life, may I make a suggestion? Find someone else to help. There is someone who needs you to accompany her on her recovery walk. This person will challenge you to be your best recovering self and will give you insights into what it means to survive such a wound.
This suggestion will not bring back your own child, but it will help you. It will help you a lot.
And if you are a survivor who is not in relationship with your mother, please find a loving, healthy someone who will mother you a bit - at least until you are ready to mother yourself. It's OK to have a family of choice, and not of birth. Someone needs you to need her.
With love and hope,
Another Mother